As Related by Lieutenant Constantine del Eden’d, JD, LL.CD., Keeper of the Ipsissimal Inkstand
When we finally locate the highway, it is wide and bright. High on the pink haze we drive, full of optimism. Surely it won’t be long now before we’re all part of the pleroma again.
It’s ironic that I’m one of the last, but then again, maybe that’s intentional. My gift, my secret gift allows me to handle this more easily than the others.
Suddenly the pink mist dissipates, and we’re blinded by an unforgiving glare. Tannon slams on the brakes, and we skid, spinning 180 degrees before coming to a sharp halt. « Did you hear that? » he asks.
Mickey shakes his head. « You scared the fucking compost out of me, » he says.
« I think we’re lost, » says Sloane.
« How can we be lost? » asks Valentin. « The highway was right…» he points towards the pink mists.
« Everybody stay calm, » says Aran. « We’ve just drifted out of the State of Grace, that’s all. Somebody, get the map. »
Tannon opens the glove compartment. « It’s hard to believe that ancient vehicles employed no geographic positioning equipment, » he murmurs, unfolding the large and unruly sheet. « Hmmm…I think we’re about here…»
He looks up, alarmed. « I don’t think this is good. »
I crane over his shoulder from the back seat. He’s pointing to a spot just over the border in an area labelled State of Emergency.
« Let’s just drive back, » Mickey counsels wisely. « The State of Grace is just over there…»
A cloud of dust has blotted out the pink fog. « There it comes again, » says Tannon.
We don’t need to have Tannon’s sensitive hearing in order to feel the thunderous rumbling under the tires of the car. « It’s coming this way! » shouts Aran. « Get moving! »
Tannon throws the car into reverse, then whirls around, slamming into drive. We’re moving again, the State of Grace receding further and further from us. But the thundering noise gets louder. I can feel the dust in my lungs, and I can’t help coughing.
« Are those Tasean wildebeests? » asks Sloane.
« That’s an achievement! » says Mickey. « Let me out of the car. »
« Are you nuts? » asks Valentin, but Tannon slows enough for Mickey to jump. « Keep going! » Mickey yells. « I’ll head for that rock outcropping. Tasean wildebeests can’t climb. »
Mickey dashes off at a right angle, yelling and waving his arms. The herd follows, veering away from the highway.
I grab hold of Tannon’s collar. « He’ll be trampled! » I cry.
« No, he’s right, » says Aran. « He can take shelter on that rock, the car can’t. That many wildebeests will shred this metal with their horns. »
« The herd is just spooked, » says Valentin. « Wildebeests aren’t flesh-eaters. »
« Really? »
« They’re herbivores, » says Valentin.
Tannon gasps. « Like that’s supposed to be reassuring, » says Aran.
« You’re just used to Dolparessa, » says Sloane. « All the animals are carnivores transported by the Flaxxshi to protect the trees and the hidden source of energy. Most planets with native animals have a large proportion of herbivores. »
« But herbivores. At least humans are omnivores. That must be because they’re fair-minded. »
« More likely because they’re hungry, » says Aran.
Aran is more talkative than usual. A lot more talkative than usual. Sloane really loosened him up. Maybe I can get his attention now. Aran is one of a handful of holdouts from my charms. It bothers me a little, but not much. Anywhere I go, I can get laid, so it’s not like I’m starving for sex, or affection either.
I love to give my body to whomever wants it, but I don’t need to use sex to prove I care.
I care. That’s my secret. I love them all unconditionally. For anyone who wants it, I’m a source of compassion, companionship and sympathy. And a damn good lay, especially since I have a license to fuck.
I recognize their differences, but don’t discriminate among them. Each is precious and necessary, equally worthy of love. And yes, Ross holds a special place in my heart, but that doesn’t mean he’s better than anyone else. It’s simply how I’m made.
The most important thing is trust. I don’t doubt any of them. I might disagree with their judgment, but ultimately, I trust them. That’s only part of the reason why I’m not jealous. The bigger part is that I trust myself.
It would make me very happy if Aran would trust me.
“Michael “Mickey” Riley, Director of Skarsian Secret Operations. 5th to emanate, 43 in the color scale, resonates to 191. 1.770 meters tall, cock size 16.62 cm when erect, apparent age 27. Intelligence agent and martial artist. Totem is Metasequoia glyptostroboides, the dawn redwood, fixed star is Tsze Tseang, the vice-general. Esoteric symbol is the Etruscan letter 
. Dessert is nau’gsh shave ice with lychee sorbet and cendol. Function is establishing inertia, proto-conscious tendency is organization, designated Order. Blazon is Tasean umber, on a caltrop argent, the emblem of Skarsian Secret Operations, sable.”
« Mickey made it! » Valentin whoops. Then suddenly he’s shaking, his face buried in his lap. « I was so scared, » he murmurs. « I still am. »
Axel throws his arm around Valentin. « Lens misses you, » he says. « Lens misses you so much. This is almost over. »
From their perspective, perhaps. But from ours, who knows how much longer we’ll be in exile?
Seth appears in a magic circle in front of the car. « Apparently, teleportation is one of Merrick’s powers, » he says. « Does anyone want to go home? »
Tannon shakes his head. « We’re fine, » he says.
« Then Rainer says we should warn you about the asteroid. »
« What asteroid? » asks Aran.
« That one, » he says, pointing into the sky. « The one that’s starting to eclipse the sun. The one that will crash into this desert in about 3.4 hours. »
I glance up at the sun, mildly surprised that the light hurts my eyes. There’s a tiny speck, barely visible against the ruddy disk which bathes the landscape in red alert lighting. If it were a sunspot, it would be enormous.
« You know, an asteroid of that size will wipe out this whole continent, » says Valentin. « Or, at the very least, incur a drastic climate change which will probably eliminate all life. »
« Exactly why would God do this to the world in His own mind? » asks Axel.
« God works in mysterious ways, » says Tannon. « I suppose that’s what we get for driving into the State of Emergency. »
Mickey jogs back to the car. « I heard that, » he says. « We’ve got it sussed. »
« We do? »
« Every planet has an asteroid protection protocol in place. It’s remarkably simple technology that stems from the late 20th century. Use nuclear warheads to deflect the asteroid off its course. »
« Easy peasy, » says Valentin. « Where do we get nuclear weapons? »
« There have to be some, » says Axel. « It’s one of the achievements. »
« Decidua Skybase sounds good, » says Tannon, pointing at the map.
« Other than the fact that it means driving way down into the State of Emergency, it looks like our best option, » says Mickey.
« Are you sure nobody wants to bail out now? » says Seth.
« Abandon our companions while we wait for cataclysm, doing nothing? » says Aran. « Absolutely not. »
« Then I’ll take my leave. I wish I could be of further assistance, but I’m afraid that seven would be crowded in that car. »
« You could sit on my lap, » I suggest, but Seth is gone.
« He’s spoken for anyways, » says Axel.
« Yeah, but if I were him, I’d get all the branch action I could before the demon comes to claim him, » says Mickey.
« He sold his spear into service, » says Tannon. « Does that make him a prostitute or a mercenary? »
« A mercitute? » suggests Axel.
« I’m certain such things existed in the right sorts of ancient temples and graphic novels, » says Aran. « As for us, time is of the essence. »
« All right, everybody hold on, » says Tannon. « There’s no speed limit in the State of Emergency, so I’m going to floor it. »
The car explodes into action. There’s an enormous screeching noise and a cloud of black smoke as we jet into the distance. I’m convulsed with coughing.
« Another advantage of hovercars, » says Mickey. « Vastly reduced friction. »
« These tires are actual rubber, » says Axel.
« Wide whitewalls, tubeless, which means Goodrich if authentic, » says Valentin.
« But some tree bled for this, » Axel continues. « Show a little more respect, Tannon. »
« Now is not the time for undue sensitivity, » says Aran. « I’m sure our forbearers would understand. »
Tannon takes him seriously. The car is moving at a precipitous speed. « Just don’t crash, » says Mickey. « Valentin and Constantine are fragile. »
« Don’t worry, » says Tannon. « I won’t damage any beautiful bodies – either them or my car. »
« That reminds me, » says Mickey. « Constantine has to collect two new emblems – Manan and Nash. We can have another party. »
And then it hits me, and I feel stupid.
« My achievement, » I stammer. « It’s the collage representing the pleroma. »
« Oh good grief, » says Mickey.
« And I spent all of that time looking for materials and not getting any closer, when he had it almost finished, » says Aran.
« Well, you found your virginity, » Mickey snickers.
« Then all we have to do is have Valentin launch the nukes, save the pleroma, and go home to a sex party, » says Axel. « Things are looking up. »
« Indeed, » says Aran. « That’s why I’m convinced that we’re missing the point yet again. »
« What? »
« If that were all there were to it, then Tannon would’ve found a shortcut to the Skybase, » Aran continues. « Better still, why can’t Ailann or I or one of the other Archons stop the immanent collision with a wave of a hand? We’re missing the point of the achievement. »
« That’s what I wanted to know, » says Axel. « Why would Self do this to Himself? »
« Is there some way in which doomsday could be a benefit? » asks Mickey.
« Post-apocalyptic scenarios are kind of cool, » says Tannon.
« Not when you actually have to live through them, » says Axel.
« Dermot says that whenever God wants to destroy the world, it’s usually to cleanse it of sin, » says Sloane.
« That’s it, » says Aran bleakly. « We’ve deviated from our devotion to Tara by elevating the pollination fetish to obsession…»
I can’t believe that Aran would say something so offensive. « That’s compost, » I blurt out. « That’s the sinful thinking – denying your love for your fellow branches. »
« I don’t think that now is the time to be distracted by a theological argument, » says Mickey.
« It can all be answered very simply, » says Axel. « What would Tara do? »
« Have a drink, probably, » says Mickey.
Tannon pulls over at a roadside cantina called the Shaky Cactus. There seems to be no menu. A cactus-shaped robot carries out a tray containing baskets of turquoise tortilla chips, salsa, and glasses of milk.
Axel takes a gulp and gasps. « That’s not milk, » he says.
Valentin sniffs it. « It’s pulque, » he pronounces. « An ancient beverage made from fermented maguey plants. »
« I really don’t think we need to be drinking right now, » says Aran.
Tannon grabs a glass.
« I really don’t think that Tannon ought to be drinking right now, » says Aran.
« The alcohol will only have inevitable effects on Constantine and Valentin, » says Mickey. « Valentin needs to stay sober. Constantine needs to stay safely in the car, so it doesn’t matter if he drinks. »
« I am hungry, though, » says Valentin.
« The point, » says Axel, « is that if Self wants to destroy the pleroma, merely stopping the asteroid won’t do it. We have to reverse the judgment of God. »
« If I and I wants to destroy us all, then maybe the solution is to fire the nukes at ourselves, » says Tannon.
I’m horrified and outraged. « What are you talking about? Do you want your brothers to die? »
« Could this be some kind of weird suicidal impulse planted by Molly or one of the other telepaths? » asks Mickey. « A subliminal suggestion waiting like a time bomb? »
« I’m having a drink, » says Valentin. « I’ll be fine by the time we get to the Skybase. I just need to soothe my nerves. »
« You have a point, » says Axel. « We’re all panicking. »
« There’s only an asteroid on a collision course with the pleroma, » says Mickey. « No need to panic. »
« There is no need to panic, » says Aran. « The Mover never panics. His n’aashet n’aaverti is firm. »
« That’s right. Nothing is going to happen that will interfere with Tara’s Destiny, » says Valentin. « Whatever the Mover is doing, it will be for the best. »
« What if He doesn’t love us? » says Tannon. « What if He doesn’t want all of us? »
My throat tightens with Tannon’s words. « We got past this long ago. We aren’t expendable. The Mover promised Tara. He promised us. »
And then I understand the nature of the test. We’re the ones who have to trust in Him.
I clutch at Valentin’s hand. « The Mover needs us to trust Him, » I implore, blinking back tears.
Valentin starts to laugh. « I get it. It’s all part of the game. It’s only a quest achievement. »
Then everyone is laughing. « That’s what we get for driving into the State of Emergency, » says Tannon.
« Barkeep, » says Mickey, « let’s have another round. »
The cactus rolls up with a pitcher of pulque and a plate of enchiladas. He hands Valentin a key.
« What’s this for? » asks Valentin.
« The underground missile silo, » says the cactus in a prickly tone.
A few moments later, the announcement is made: “Valentin del Eden’d, Ipsissimal Quality Controller. 29th to emanate, 78 in the color scale, resonates to 397. 1.770 meters tall, cock size 16.01 cm when erect, apparent age 30. Strategist. Totem is Citrus medica, citron, fixed star is Hadar, the grounded or civilized place. Esoteric symbol is the Minchiate trump La Prudanza, prudence. Dessert is Eden blue popcorn crème brûlée with cinnamon caramel nau’gsh sauce. Function is adjusting release, proto-conscious tendency is discernment, designated Perceptive. Blazon is gules, on three hamades lemonzaid, a heart pierced with an arrow, proper.”
« Let’s go home, » says Mickey, « and fuck Constantine within an inch of his life. »
*****
Once again, we’ve reserved the Gold Lounge. I’m shivering in anticipation, both because I can remember what it was like the last time and because I’ll finally be rid of this unbearable separation.
In the hallway, I can hear Lorcan arguing with Ailann. « Couldn’t this be postponed until after everyone gets their achievements? » he asks.
« And make Constantine wait for his? » Ailann rebuts. « I know we’re talking about your brother and your lover, but we’ve done everything possible to help them. They don’t seem interested. There have to be consequences for their actions. It’s not like they aren’t invited. »
Lorcan storms into the Gold Lounge and sees me. « Sorry, » he says. « I had to try. »
« It’s okay, » I tell him. « I understand. I admire your loyalty. »
What I don’t say is ‘I love you.’ At least not aloud because he doesn’t want to hear it yet.
He won’t take me tonight, though, out of loyalty to Driscoll and Darius, which sucks from my perspective. Ah well, I won’t be lacking for lovers. I’m almost sure Nash will seize the opportunity. I wonder if Manan will?
Manan takes forever to make his mark, a complete replica of the color space mandala. « My primary purpose is to teach humanity how to find inner peace through meditation, » he says. « It’s going to be essential for them to make the leap to immortality. »
He smiles as he finishes. « I also seem to know quite a bit about tantric sexual practices, » he adds.
In contrast, Nash quickly sketches his mark, an ash tree. Everyone’s coat-of-arms is some variation of the design he drew on my body. If that’s so, what will my design be?
“Lieutenant Constantine del Eden’d, JD, LL.CD., Keeper of the Ipsissimal Inkstand. 32nd to emanate, 69 in the color scale, resonates to 347. 1.774 meters tall, cock size 16.33 cm when erect, apparent age 28. Military lawyer. Totem is Fagus sylvatica f. purpurea, the purple beech, fixed star is Janar M’sema, the garden gate. Esoteric symbol is the Minchiate trump La Giustizia, justice. Dessert is nau’gsh mousse rainbow macarons. Function is adjusting attainment, proto-conscious tendency is loyalty, designated Puppy. Blazon is dark lavender, to chief, a moth of 103 pseudo-colors, displayed and elevated, proper, to base, an escarbuncle, argent.”
I realize that it’s perfect, the perfect symbol. And then I can feel them waiting for me, their lust, their love. I want to throw myself into them and drown.
« I’ve still got 5kg of blue moth mushrooms, » says Lucius. « Anybody want some? »
« What does it mean that your gift is unconditional love? » asks Nash. « Compared to telesending or universal translation, it seems a little thin. »
« It’s the best gift of all. Let me show you. »
Further Curious Tales of the Chevalier’s Arbor: No Regrettes