As Related by Quennel Oakley, Vestetor Magnus and Master of the Most Esteemed Guild of Free-Decorators
Following the treasure map, we sail north from Mai Tai Island. When we compare it to the map in Nash’s quarters, it looks like the connect-the-dots path is taking us further up the coast to a point which lies within the State of Strength.
« Look, » says Ethan. « That wasn’t there before. »
He’s pointing to the east of Merenis, where suddenly the State of Decay has appeared. Labelled within its borders are the Marshes of Misery and a city called Rustbucket.
« Maybe the treasure will include gold or silver, » says Rand. « I grabbed some tinfoil from the kitchen at the Happy Coconut, so now I’m just missing four. »
« This looks simple, » says Nash. « The treasure is buried right on the beach. »
« Did pirates really bury their treasures? » asks Ethan. « It seems like a dodgy thing to do. »
« Not really, » says Benbow. « Only William Kidd buried a horde, which became the foundation for stories like Treasure Island. There are lots of hordes, but usually buried by weird old misers, not pirates. And nobody ever made a map like this. »
« Archetypal truth is more important. Give people a choice between factual accuracy and a story which better fits the archetype, and they’ll reject factual accuracy every time. In history and politics, myth is far more important than accuracy. Accuracy only really counts in science, and that’s because science embraces the myth of objectivity. »
« I thought you were a fashion designer, » says Briscoe. « That sounds like something Dermot would say. »
« Fashion is a spontaneous expression of the archetype of an era. It isn’t just about a designer’s skill or innovation. History is full of beautiful designs which were ignored, only to be rediscovered by a later era which found them resonant. The difference between a fashion designer and an artist is that the artist doesn’t care, and stays true to the vision, trusting that the time and place will come for that particular truth. A fashion designer, however, lives enslaved to the eidolon of the aeon. »
« I hope there’s another bar up the coast, » says Ethan.
I go up on deck. The wind is favorable, the weather clear. Since the telepaths were cleared out, the pleroma doesn’t seem as intent on killing us, which is a nice luxury. Especially since we seem intent on killing each other.
Well, maybe that’s an exaggeration. Ethan and Barnabas aren’t speaking, and everyone knows why. It’s also become very awkward between Briscoe and Stephen. The haves and the have-nots.
Benbow is one of the haves, but he doesn’t know how to work it. He joins me next to the railing. « Can I ask you something? » he says.
« You just did. »
« How do you feel about Tara? »
« She’s annoying. »
« WHAT? »
Ah, I’ve shocked the pirate. Shock is an excellent tool to direct the attention of the market.
« She annoys me, » I continue, « because at any time, I’d throw away all of my hopes and ambitions for her. I’d throw away Evan. And the most annoying thing is that I chose this, and I’d choose it again in a heartbeat. Incomparable. That’s what I said. She makes the rest of the universe look shoddy. »
Benbow looks disappointed. « I understand n’aashet n’aaverti, » he says. « I don’t understand love. »
He doesn’t understand why I’m laughing, either.
*****
It is easy to find the treasure. There’s a big red X in the sand. Driscoll would say it’s a holome trope.
« These achievements aren’t hard, » says Nash. « They’re just a pain in the ass. »
They’re meant to get us out of the house. I know that. I’m still missing Evan. I’m still thinking about how he might be getting close to someone else.
Jealousy is foolish in the pleroma.
Jealousy is inevitable when you’re being left out.
« Do we have any orders from HQ about which of us gets the achievement? » says Ethan resentfully.
« They said to draw straws, » says Stephen.
« Oh good, » says Ethan. « That means they don’t think of any of us as very important. »
« Ethan, don’t be like this, » chides Barnabas.
« Go fuck yourself, » Ethan replies. « Go fuck Stephen. »
« Ailann said that Rand should draw too, » Stephen continues, ignoring Ethan’s outburst. « Ailann said Rand can give his metals to someone else if he wins. »
Stephen holds out the straws. I want this. The minute I get my achievement, I’m going home. I’d go home now, if someone would go with me, but Barnabas won’t leave Ethan, and Stephen and Benbow have this cracked-up desire for adventure.
Nash gets the straw.
The nice bit of revenge is that those of us who are still in the out group get to sit on our asses and watch him dig in the hot afternoon sun. Benbow and Stephen help him, but the rest of us wouldn’t dare for fear of stealing the achievement.
« This sucks, » says Ethan sullenly.
Rand puts his hand on Ethan’s shoulder. « It will all turn out, » he says. « Ashtara has a reason for everything He does. »
« I found it! » Nash yells. We’re all on our feet now, crowding around to see what a real fake pirate treasure looks like. Benbow helps him to pull a bulky chest from the ground. The wood looks blackened with age, which, of course, means nothing. Maybe it was put there yesterday. Maybe it wasn’t there until Nash dug it up.
With a little effort, they pry open the lid. The chest is full of china. Kitschy china with a rocket ready for launch in the center of a field of saguaro cactus.
« That’s it? » says Ethan incredulously.
« You don’t get it, » says Nash. « This was the super-premium set! You could buy these with stamps given away at my gas station, but it was almost impossible to complete. All the pieces are here, and in perfect condition. It’s a priceless antiquity. »
« It’s the sort of thing Driscoll would like, » I murmur. « Very lowbrow. »
« He only likes things like that in an ironic sort of way, » says Ethan.
« He’s a hipster, » I reply. « The antithesis of fabulousness. »
“His Most Sublime and Eminent Radiance Nash Ashton, Archon of the Provinces and Territories. 57th to emanate, 90 in the color scale, resonates to 463. 1.775 meters tall, cock size 17.02 cm when erect, apparent age 27. Archon of Canopus. Totem is Fraxinus quadrangulata, the blue ash, fixed star is Nash, the arrowhead. Esoteric symbol is the Minchiate trump Il Sagittario, Sagittarius. Dessert is hot nau’gsh sundae with a cherry on top. Function is visionary attainment, proto-conscious tendency is integrity, designated Ash. Blazon is steel blue, an ash tree eradicated, argent.”
« The cherry is because he’s still a virgin, » sulks Ethan.
« What next? » asks Rand.
« I was thinking I’d take the swan boat up as far as the westernmost point of the State of Confusion, » Nash replies. « It’s not too far inland to get to Squirrelworld from there, which has hovertrain access. Those who want to keep questing can go from there, and the rest of us can take the boat back home. »
Hah. I’ll go to Squirrelworld. What he’s not saying – probably because he doesn’t want to sail alone – is that the hovertrain will get us to Merenis much faster. Nash probably doesn’t have to worry since Benbow can’t be pried off the boat, and it isn’t even his home. From what I’ve heard, he hails from Ophionia, a bizarre city way up north.
We split up to forage for food. I’m starting to feel lethargic, which means it’s time for the unfortunates to have a sleep cycle soon. This constant barrage of noonday is grating.
I’m in luck – I find some wild redberris. I return with a filled bucket. Rand has scrounged some roots and Ethan carries a dead bird.
Stephen and Barnabas return with a portahibachi and a cooler filled with burgers and tubs of unonion slaw. « There’s a convenience store over the ridge, » Stephen explains.
I want to slit my throat. The unfairness! For the first time, I understand the philosophy behind communism.
« I think the wild berries are the best, » says Vassali. I’m startled; he usually keeps to himself. He’s a handsome fellow, a damn good fighter, but he just doesn’t seem to keep in step with everybody else.
We all know he has a synchronization problem. And he’s probably not going to be able to fix it in this state. He’s too proud to complain, though.
It makes me realize that I have it good. Yes, this situation sucks bloobird eggs, but I’ve got Evan to go home to. This is temporary.
I think.
All I have to do is get one of these damn achievements. In fact, Barnabas made a list so that those of us who couldn’t access it through branch memory could study it. It hangs on the wall in the boat’s dining cabin.
I feel a bit better when I’m back on board. The boat is my home although I spend most of my time with Evan. For the longest time, I was the de facto captain. Ellery was hardly going to assert himself, and Briscoe came later, but he’s easygoing. Nash is an issue. Nash, as Archon, is the rightful captain. There’s going to come a time when Nash and I want to sail in opposite directions.
Why did he get to be king and not me? I said incomparable and he said Tara. For him, there was nothing beyond to compare her to. Tara was the whole, the unity. My sense of discrimination is a deviation, a blemish, a fall.
Nash would never react to Tara with annoyance.
I study the list yet again. Find a pearl, perhaps, or uncover an archaeological relic. How about #51: “Make rambat gyros with completely fresh ingredients you’ve gathered yourself “? There were rambats up near Squirrelworld. What else would I need – kyookumbers, yogurt, tomatoes, unonions, pita? Would I have to make the bread and the yogurt myself? Grind the wheat? Come to think of it, there’s a harvest achievement and a mookau milking achievement. Perhaps we should assemble a gyro team. We have enough people to do it.
I go back down to the beach. « We can get three achievements from the gyros. If we hadn’t been in a state of emergency at the time, it could’ve been four, considering the rambats Callum killed. »
« Lens put the carcasses in the cryogenic storage unit at Squirrelworld, » says Barnabas. « He hates to waste food. Oh, and Ailann says that when we get there, we should thaw out Cillian. He wants his body back. »
So the rambat meat is basically frozen next to Cillian’s corpse. How appetizing. Never mind that – we have to make the gyros – not eat them.
« There are logistical problems, » says Ethan. « I can see how the mookau fits, but then it will take time for the yogurt to mature. The harvest could be anything. It might be something totally different from wheat or tomatoes. »
« Couldn’t you try the convenience store? » suggests Stephen.
« What part of “completely fresh ingredients you’ve gathered yourself” don’t you understand? »
« Shopping is gathering, » says Rand. « I admit that you’re not going to get anything completely fresh at a convenience store. Perhaps we’ll encounter a farmer’s market? »
*****
The next morning, we pass the headland at the opening of the Bay of Leaf. According to the map, it will be a much faster sail to stop following the coast and head towards an island named Small Potato. There’s also an island much farther to the West named – wait for it – Big Potato.
Who the fuck named these geographical features – Suibhne? If it were up to me, there would be a metropolis named for each of us, mountains, rivers and grasslands with dashingly romantic names, gated communities with street names which were nostalgically chic.
Two more days of this endless green sea. Two more days of Nash plucking the banjo. I wish we had another timekeeper. We should’ve brought Evan.
I’m practicing my haughty rebuffs and snide remarks to keep from feeling terribly homesick. I don’t want to break down again, like I did when I got drunk at the Happy Coconut.
Stephen and Barnabas have openly become lovers. Ethan’s miserable; Briscoe’s weirded out. I wonder how Manasseh is taking it? I don’t have the slightest idea. I don’t know the latest gossip anymore. I wish I could spend ten minutes with Driscoll. He hasn’t completed his achievement either, but at least he’s safe at home. At least he was in the thick of the fighting during the crisis. I was captive labor, mending sails, not having any idea what was going on, not even knowing if Evan was all right. My only comfort was Briscoe. Our captors kept Vassali locked alone in the surgeon’s closet.
Benbow comes out with a pitcher of Lemonzaid. « Drink up, » he says. « Scurvy is nasty business. »
We aren’t likely to get scurvy when we have access to commercial unonion slaw, but I don’t suppose there’s any point in saying that. Benbow is too nice to hurt and too delusional to convince.
Nash looks like he wants to talk to me. After all, we are in the same boat together. Ahahaha.
But we’re not. He should take a lover. But not me. Not Briscoe, either. Briscoe is not going there again, I can tell. Briscoe looks desperately lonely, too.
« Anyone for a game of mah jongg? » asks Benbow. « Better than cards because the wind won’t blow away the tiles. »
Benbow is not a pirate. He is a counsellor at a children’s camp running a pirate adventure weekend.
Everything around here would be better, a lot better, if Ethan would get the damn achievement. Then he could clear the air with Barnabas, and Stephen could go home to Manasseh, and the rest of us could wander off in our lonely misery.
We make for land at the cape. The idea is that as we head towards Squirrelworld, we’ll be searching the countryside for a mookau. I’m somehow not encouraged by the fact that we’re in the State of Confusion. I’m amazed that we aren’t being asked to tip the cow over, and I say so.
« That’s mean, » says Benbow. « Ashtara is absurd, but he’s never mean. »
« What do you mean, he’s never mean? I can be mean. »
« You can be bitchy, » says Nash. « That’s a whole ‘nuther thing. »
Benbow and Nash bid us farewell. Barnabas and Stephen are going with us, which apparently makes Ailann happy. He doesn’t want to lose touch, and was quite upset when Mickey’s group went off on their own. That’s over now that Tannon is recognized and has a 1958 Cadillac that I know much more about than I ever cared to because for several days Nash and Stephen would talk about nothing else.
Say goodbye to the sea of endless green. Say hello to the sea of endless blue, tall grasses which slash at our legs and get pollen up our nostrils and into our hair. Does it bother us? Do humans relish the thought of snorting chik-henn sperm? I think not.
We walk for a long time not spotting much of anything. « Maybe we should moo, » Briscoe suggests.
Finally, we reach the top of a hill which allows us to see Squirrelworld in the distance. Betwixt us and it lies a lush blue valley bifurcated by a roaring river. On the other side of that river is a herd of mookaus.
We charge down the hill, yelling in excitement. « Don’t yell, » screams Rand. « You’ll spook the kaus! »
The river is not insignificant. It requires us to swim against the current. I don’t really swim much. Well, ever. My slim cut bespoke suit isn’t the best example of swimwear, either. I’m dimly aware that Ethan has grabbed me by the arm, and is hauling my soaking buns to shore.
I thank him for his assistance. I don’t like Ethan, not really. He’s a grubby individualist. But his hand is warm as he pulls me to my feet.
Whether I like him is as irrelevant as whether I like Tara. The next thing I know, I’m crying in his arms. I have to stop this. I have to, but I can’t.
« Shush, you’ll scare the kaus, » he says quietly, brushing the water from my skin.
We agree on a hasty plan. The two of us who are recognized will circle behind the herd and try to chase them towards the water. The rest of us will wait here, grabbing the kaus as they come. Luck will determine the winner.
There isn’t a single one of us who knows a damn thing about farming. Unfortunate, since a real farmer might have warned us that both sexes of mookaus have big, nasty horns and temperamental dispositions. The herd comes thundering towards us like the ancient bull run of Pamplona. On the bright side, they’re smaller than most Terran cattle.
« I’ve got one, » shouts Briscoe. « Hey, this isn’t an udder, it’s…»
I’m pretty sure that the one in front of me is a kau, not a bull. The giveaway is the flower branded on her buttocks with the legend “Daisy.” But it’s a nau’gsh flower. Maybe I shouldn’t give too much credence to discernment of the rancher.
I throw my arms around her neck. She seems more irritated than aggressive, and tries to throw me off by dragging me in a circle. Then Ethan grabs her rear haunches and holds her in place. « I’ll keep her from kicking, » he says. « Get the milk! »
It’s not fair. I’m taller, but Ethan is larger, more muscled, stronger than I am; I couldn’t do this on my own, but I’m the one who will get the credit. I wish I could somehow let him do the milking, but the kau will just pull free of me and run away. I can’t hold her still enough.
Barnabas shoves a bucket at me. Now for the next problem: how does this thing work?
Daisy bellows. It isn’t a happy noise. Maybe not like that.
And then there’s a metallic ring as the hot liquid squirts into the metal pail, splattering back in my eye. I wince, but I feel like I’ve struck gold.
“Quennel Oakley, Vestetor Magnus and Master of the Most Esteemed Guild of Free-decorators. 43rd to emanate, 12 in the color scale, resonates to 37. 1.866 meters tall, cock size 17.78 cm when erect, apparent age 29. Couturier, specially appointed to the Matriarch of Skarsia. Totem is Quercus coccinea, the scarlet oak, fixed star is Syrma, the garment-train. Esoteric symbol is the Archimedean solid snub cube. Dessert is chocumber fondue with nau’gsh filled puff-paste ravioli. Function is establishing empowerment, proto-conscious tendency is rigor, designated Oak. Blazon is scarlet, papellony or, an oak leaf, proper.”
“Ethan del Eden’d, Nul-consul and Engineer of Sublime Potency. 36th to emanate, 7 in the color scale, resonates to 17. 1.801 meters tall, cock size 16.51 cm when erect, apparent age 36. Materials engineer. Totem is Nothofagus obliqua, the Patagonian oak or roble beech, fixed star is Capella L, the fourth twin of the she-goat. Esoteric symbol is the Archimedean solid cuboctahedron. Dessert is nau’gsh jelly tart with cider-cornmeal crust. Function is adjusting stabilization, proto-conscious tendency is individuality, designated Unique. Blazon is bloobird, on a pale argent, a trans-universal inferometer, proper.”
« Both of us got the achievement? »
« Ethan got number 28, » says Wynne. « “Risk something precious.” »
« The reason there are four twins, » says Rainier, « is that Capella is actually two double-stars in orbit around each other. »
Barnabas looks at Ethan, and Ethan looks at Barnabas, and they understand. And I understand. And Evan is in my branch, and I can’t help crying again.
Further Curious Tales of the Chevalier’s Arbor: The Pride of the Ascomanni