My Dearest Lwrence,
I am so exceedingly sorry that I did not tell you in advance, but I have been called away on pressing business. More pressing than even the supervision of pruning His Holiness before the Ceremony of K’ntasari Admission and the announcement of his new emanations. Indeed, I have no compunctions in that regard: what could I, miserable soul that I am, possibly do to improve the magnificence of the Atlas Tree? A magnificence surely augmented by the infestation embellishment of the newly-discovered blue moth mushroom. It is not only a biological improvement, a leap in Nau’gsh evolution, but an aesthetic one as well. Mushrooms lend character.
Just like writing by hand. On simple rag-paper that can be easily burned. Which I suggest that you do immediately. Why, you might ask, did I not simply message you? Because journalists are everywhere! Just last week, Her Eminence complained that a camera was hidden among the grains of sand upon the beach. Discretion is the watchword of our day.
Also, please convey to Her Eminence that I have chosen to resign my position as personal physician to the Archon. I know this will come as a shock to you, especially since you will have to seek employment of your own. Believe me, it is for the best. I am doing it to protect you.
I know what you are thinking: did Kaman somehow disgrace himself? Let me assure you that this is not the case! Were it so, I would take my own life as a matter of honor. My absence is caused to avoid disgracing myself.
I know what else you are thinking: Kaman has run away with another man. Perish the thought! If only you knew what sort of temptation I have endured. I have resisted the charms of an angel, a golden-haired boy with every gift of the gods. And I have done so in the sacred name of our love. Which is why I must leave you forever. To protect our love.
Alas! I will always remember with fondness our pleasant times together. They shine in my memory! The garden parties attended by all the luminaries of court. Your amazing gourd salad! I count myself lucky to have entered such a charmed world, even for a space. But all things must end.
I suppose, strictly speaking, that is not entirely true. Some things never end. The Archon’s fidelity, for example, fidelity I expect is in every way shared by His progeny. It is a fidelity that to human eyes might look a tad excessive. This is why it is not given to man to be gods.
Yes, tell Her Eminence that I must resign, but do not show her this letter. Burn it. Burn it, and along with it, all memory of me. Tell no one where I have gone. Most especially, if a lovely lad of around sixteen should come to our doorstep looking for me, say nothing. A lad calling himself Charles, with blond curls and striking blue eyes, who bears an uncanny resemblance to His Highness Prince Patrick Fitzroy.
Yrs. eternally,
Sir Kaman Rafmin
*****
The rest of the story, you want me to tell the rest of the story. Em….ahem.
I had every intention of never returning to the capital. Every intention! But then I realized that I was in need of certain items of personal grooming. My mustache wax and at least one pair of silk pajamas.
It was with trepidation that I returned to my estate. I did not want to see Lwrence. It would only have increased the agony! His heart would have been broken enough already.
But as I was sneaking up the marble staircase – showy, I know, but a tree surgeon could hardly have a wooden stair, could he? I heard the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen. Two male voices. I had been gone for two days – TWO DAYS – and Lwrence has found a replacement? Or maybe he had been having an affair all along.
I am ashamed to say that I quite lost my head. I stormed into the kitchen, leaping angrily from behind the stasisstorer. And there I saw Lwrence sitting at the breakfast nook with that leafy lad Lolita.
“Darling, how long were you planning to stay away?” asked Lwrence. “And exactly what good did you think it would do? Honestly, you’re so dramatic.”
I knew I was a dead man. I forced myself to breathe.
“Don’t you think Charles is lovely, Kaman?” said Lwrence, scanning the youth with a rapacious glance. At that point, I think my blood pressure was high enough to steam potatoes.
“I think that Charles is six years old,” I said. “I think that Charles is the sapling of our god and ruler, and I fancy my head.”
“I’m Cu’enashti,” said Charles. “This human body is between the ages of 16 and 17. But age doesn’t really play a role in our development.”
“I really wouldn’t go there,” said Lwrence. “It might be taken as a thinly disguised criticism of Her Eminence. After all, she has reportedly asserted her marital rights upon the day of a new emanation.”
“Marital rights,” I said. “It makes all the difference. Whereas, Lwrence, I am married to you.”
We can have a threesome,” said the boy. “As long as you’re there, I can do it.”
“Pardon me while I swallow my tongue,” I said.
“Also, my father couldn’t give a squirrel turd about what I do,” Charles continued. “Jamey is really the one who cares, but you know that. He’s accompanied you to see me on dozens of occasions. And it isn’t like they won’t understand. Look, I’m Ashkaman. There’s no going back. Although, if you don’t like Charles, I could grow another branch.”
At that, the poor boy looked incredibly dejected. It broke my heart; after all, I never could stand the sight of a wilted plant. “Nono. Nonono,” I said, waving my hands. “It’s just…why me? I admit to having been somewhat dashing in my salad days, but I am long past my prime. And I am a person of only meager brilliance, mediocre importance.”
“Kaman,” Lwrence hissed, “Don’t use the s-word. Honestly, how many times do I have to correct you for your poor manners?”
Charles shrugged casually. “I don’t know,” he explained. “You were there. You cared. You have a head full of dreams. Think of it this way – it could have been worse. Cillian’s sapling could’ve taken a fancy to you. Cillian really would’ve gotten mad. He’s got his mind set on pairing his sprout up with Cara. He’s just stubborn enough to think he could arrange something like that. And the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. That little sap is just as stubborn as its father – stubborn enough to surprise all of us and go Cu’enmerengi instead. Just watch the rockets hit the ripscorch then.”
“Kaman,” said Lwrence. “Look at it this way. Hot threesomes. Immortality. And really impressive garden parties. What, exactly, is the downside?”
My Lords, tell me, how could I have resisted the importuning of my beloved husband and the offspring of my Prince? I clearly had to put considerations other than my own well-being first. To maintain honor, one must be willing to sacrifice.