The Archonist Church is the official religion of the Skarsian Matriarchy, but it is fast becoming the religion of choice in all progressive star systems. Here’s why…
Choice of Deity
The Archonist Church is the only monotheism to provide your choice of five different deities. Select from:
Archon Ailann Tiarnan: The original 2nd Archon of the Domha’vei, Ailann advocates a course of enlightenment for humankind. “All beings have the potential to realize the divine within them,” he states. “Mistakes are possible, but only temporary aberrations on the path.” He is the guiding force of human evolution, believing that human and Nau’gsh are destined to unite, forming a glorious Empire combining the traits of both animal and plant. Ailann is the perfect God for mystics and idealists of any species.
Archon Aran: Aran is a stickler for the division between good and evil. “I shall reward the righteous and punish the wicked,” is a phrase he uses often. Aran spends much of his time in deep contemplation of divine justice. You’ll find no ambiguity in his doctrines. If you like to know where you stand, Aran is the deity for you.
Archon Till: Till is the Archon for people who just can’t bring themselves to believe in the mumbo-jumbo. “When I promise you immortality, I mean it literally,” he says. “There’s no need to mystify it. I’m a hyper-evolved member of a non-human species. I protect the Domha’vei and provide it with energy, making life possible for billions of people. In the form of Davy, I’ve created a sentient species, the K’ntasari. I heal the sick and succor the weak. In short, I fulfill the definition of a God within the confines of reason.” Agnostics, it’s time to come off the fence!
Archon Suibhne: Suibhne is the sort of “mad god” that people like Lovecraft blathered about. At any moment, he might go on a violent rampage – or turn your underwear to liquid nitrogen – who knows? Fortunately, he likes to spend most of his time playing with his toy soldiers (which is not all that different from the traditional gods of the great monotheisms, honestly). A viable choice for Discordians and Pastafarians.
*New!* Archon Balin: When we asked Archon Balin for his philosophy on godhood, he said, “Philosophy? Who has time for that? I’m busy getting this colony off the ground.” As you can see, Balin is a practical god, the kind that you worship when you need something done. Added benefits: he doesn’t really care if you neglect his worship. So if you’re the kind of person who only attends church to pray for a safe journey or home team win, Balin is the perfect choice.
Spectacular Holidays
The Archonist Church features three major holidays promoting the message of joy and love:
Restoration Day: This family-friendly holiday is a joyous occasion for spectacle, merriment and political propaganda. Enjoy the food, the wine, the ever-increasing display of photon-shows and interactive art, all capped by Archon Ailann’s message of hope to all sentient species. What a great excuse for a day off!
Valentine’s Day: Show your love of family and friends with hearts and flowers, and make sure to give a ceremonial chocolate to your favorite tree. Also, there’s a secret tradition for high-level Archonist initiates – don’t miss it.
The Nau’gsh Festival: What could be better than having anything you desire granted by a wish-fulfilling tree? How about having anything you desire followed by a three-day sex and drug orgy? Book your spaceflight now for beautiful Dolparessa, and indulge in the galaxy’s most infamous fertility rite!
Media Push
The Archonist Church is unique in its creative media presence. Basking in the radiance of your God doesn’t have to be stuffy and boring:
Two of Jacks: Twin brothers, Atlas emanations Whirljack and Blackjack Riordan are known throughout the galaxy for WJ’s sweet folk-pop harmonies and BJ’s grinding rock and roll. Dance to the party sound of the BioDiversitee remix of Blackjack Riordan’s ‘Coordinate System (You’re the Galactic Axis), mellow out to Whirljack’s lovely “Mystery of Blue,” or groove to the brothers’ latest collaboration, “Lovers of Draco.”
The Tarlach Tadgh Show: Award winning talk-show psychologist and 19th emanation of Atlas, Tarlach Tadgh bridges the gap between human and Nau’gsh with his provocative programming. Don’t miss the next eyebrow-raising episode: “My Mother-in-Law has a Leaf-blower.”
Wooden Heart: Written by Archon Ailann and Prince Patrick Fitzroy, the tell-all autobiography that started it all. Who says a God has to be mysterious and inaccessible?
Employment Opportunities
Whether you’re an entrepreneur, scientist, barista or underworld lowlife, we’ve got a place for you in the RR Family of industries. Check out these exciting careers:
No Beans About It: Now is the time to get on board by opening your own NBIA Franchise in the 21st Century. Sell delicious javajuice and chocumber doughnot-nuts to sophisticated upscale customers who give a bean about a bean-free diet. Opportunities for bakers and baristas coming soon.
Everybody Goes to Tommy’s/Tom O’ Bedlam’s: Embark on a thrilling career in the Domha’vei’s premier nightclub group. Looking for all positions from managers to chefs to croupiers to curfling referees.
Root Riot, Inc.: Looking for talented salesbeings to open new markets for the galaxy’s number-one plant growth product. Also needed – researchers in xenobotany and pharmacology.
Skarsian Secret Operations: Wanted – specialists in espionage, enforcement and contraband management. Enjoy a career of doing whatever the hell you want, sanctioned by your government and blessed by your God.