X’khaim, the logistician, has been working on a plan to complete the final three recognitions. We meet on the 69th floor of Yggdrasil; apparently the Love Hotel has an associated strip club. Chand has brought Faulkner, Fairchild and Anthony. Tommy is with us because – well, it’s a strip club – and oddly, so are Alexander and Dig.
Tommy is grinning as we enter. « This place is great. I’ll use it as our clade theme – we can even meet here. »
I don’t particularly share his enthusiasm. « I’ve never understood what is supposed to be sexy about places like this. »
« While there is certainly an element of sex, that isn’t its primary purpose, » X’khaim explains. « In fact, the lone clients who come to see the dancers are disliked by the establishment as potential sources of trouble. The real point is a group dominance ritual where the participants attempt to flaunt their power by an open display of economic success. The use of money to compel the dancers to behave in a sexually gratifying fashion results in a corresponding increase in social status. It’s similar to the high roller phenomenon at a casino – in fact, the whole milieu is similar, including the way that serious gamblers like Wynne are similarly disliked by the management. »
I’m impressed. « How do you know all that? »
« I’m a systems analyst. It’s not just computers – my job is to sort through mass data of any sort and predict trends and patterns of behavior. It’s very useful when it comes to political and economic situations. In any case, it seems logical to start here, since one of the achievements is to pole dance. Do any of you feel capable of that? »
« Absolutely, » says Fairchild. « I’ll need a leotard. »
It’s not long before the music begins to play. I expect some kind of sleazy jazz or ZonePopp, but I couldn’t be farther from wrong. The piece which Fairchild has chosen is Stravinsky’s Firebird.
Fairchild leaps onto the catwalk, appearing to be suspended in midair. He lands, turns, spins, and flips backwards onto the pole. « Father Mithras, serve me that sirloin, » I mutter.
« I’m pretty certain that if I tried to move my body like that, I’d hear a snap, and something would fall off, » says Tommy.
After twisting, twirling, and contorting his body into a variety of remarkable positions, Fairchild grabs onto the pole with both hands, comes to an absolute halt, and then spreads his legs into a split. He brings them forward and then eases them between his arms. He’s basically using the pole to do a parallel bar routine – but horizontally instead of vertically.
« Gravity in this club is normal, right? » asks Alexander.
Tommy ducks into the control booth. « It’s set to 1.09g, » he says, « Normal for Skarsia. But it can be controlled, which has interesting possibilities. »
Fairchild’s routine ends in a backflip dismount. He lands perfectly frozen, not wavering an iota.
“Fairchild of Seachange, Lord of the Dance. 99th to emanate, 30 in the color scale, resonates to 113. 1.789 meters tall, cock size 16.82 cm when erect, apparent age 26. Dancer and acrobat. Totem is Telopea speciosissima, the waratah, fixed star is the Garnet Star. Esoteric symbol is the geomantic glyph Rubeus, red. Dessert is nau’gsh turnovers and twists. Function is administrative inertia, proto-conscious tendency is agility, designated Grace. Blazon is crimson, a waratah branch and moth, proper.”
« What does it feel like? » asks Faulkner.
He closes his eyes. « I can feel the power, so much energy, coursing into my roots, my leaves. And it’s so easy to transform it into physical strength. » He pushes up with one arm, lifting his entire body off the ground. He uses his fingers to rotate slowly until he faces us; there isn’t a trace of strain or wobble. It’s then I realize that he did his amazing dance routine with only a human body.
He flips effortlessly back onto his feet so that he’s standing immediately in front of me. « Did you enjoy my performance? » he asks.
He’s teasing me. He isn’t lacking in confidence, this one. He’s posed there, covered in sweat, and all I can think about is how his rock-hard body would feel on top of mine. « On all kinds of levels. » I put my arm around him, thinking that if we move this along quickly, I might have time to test my theories before the next disaster or endlessly boring meeting on the Matriarch’s schedule. « X’khaim, what’s next? »
« We deduced that the meaning of “Collect the whole set” probably referred to the emanations. We agreed that we could hand this achievement to the last one unrecognized. He can decide what he wants to collect, but it must be something he’s also capable of providing. »
« That’s why we’re here, » says Alexander. « Dig’s extensive research helped me design a very complex simulation. »
« Achievement #15, “Graduate from High School.” It required close examination of Exploitation Era media, » Dig continues. « For one, assuming that the phrase “high school” refers to secondary education, and not, as Chase suggested, a pharmaceutical academy, it was very easy to find documentation of the curricula, but the social and cultural implications proved to be near-impossible to navigate. The best records we could find were in contemporary situation comedies and anime, which evidenced almost opposing practices. Really, the one commonality was the overwhelming presence of occult menaces, such as vampires, werewolves and zombies. »
« Sounds like something Seth would like, » says Tommy.
« I decided that since the phrase “high school” was so ambiguous, the best we could do was to combine the key experiences of all sources, culminating in a graduation experience. »
We’re interrupted by a blood-curdling wail. It’s Suibhne, who has appeared in the doorway. « Nooooo! Mashing up contradictory versions will result in something absurd and incomprehensible, Suibhne knows this. Look at what happened to Sir Thomas Malory. »
« Suibhne, there’s just no way to know, » says Dig. « People in the Exploitation Era were completely paranoid. They communicated in elaborate codes of strung-together nonsense phrases juxtaposed with irrelevant and highly repetitious imagery. Much of this is still oblique to us, textbook examples like, “Oh no, the Log Lady is vaguebooking,” or, “I can’t believe that David S. Pumpkin is a thing. Guess we had to fill that Chewbacca Mom void.” It’s impossible even to guess at what they meant. »
Suibhne doesn’t look convinced, so I try to move things along by reassuring him. « Look, it probably doesn’t matter. It’s another silly exercise in futility required for someone to get an achievement. »
« The details always matter, » grumbles Suibhne. « You’ll regret this, Suibhne is certain. »
« How long will this take? » I ask, eying Fairchild.
« According to our research, high school lasted anywhere from three years to infinity, » Dig replies, « but fortunately, we’ll be using time-compression. »
We assemble in the amphitheater, which has been holographically altered to resemble an Exploitation Era football field. I’ve been kitted out in a ridiculous uniform – a plaid skirt with a dobergator applique – it reminds me of the time Driscoll wanted me to cosplay Major Regrettes, but at least this fits better and has practical shoes. As expected, Anthony and Faulkner are part of the game, but Jesse, Chand and Simon are also there, and Simon is wearing the same costume that I am. « Before we begin, » says Alexander, « I’d like to thank the numerous emanations who have assisted in this production. I couldn’t do it alone. You may notice that the most important roles are not filled by simulacra. This is best practice in simulation technology, affording an experience which is authentic, organic and unique. »
« Is that why Simon is here? »
« My research shows that high school participants are accompanied by an entourage of two to four potential mates, » says Dig.
« You’re the tsundere type, and Simon is the moe type, » says Driscoll.
Why doesn’t Driscoll’s sudden appearance surprise me? « Is he part of the simulation, too? »
« Not that I know of, » says Alexander.
« Oh, Hurley thinks I’ve been working myself too hard, » Driscoll says, bending low to examine the laces on my saddle shoes. « I’ll just observe. Don’t mind me. »
Alexander pauses, considers, shrugs. « All right, for the sake of time, we’re only going to cover the major rituals which took place during the high school period. We’ll start with the culture fair, have bento at the soda fountain, fight vampires at the Homecoming Dance, go to the hot springs during summer break, and top it off with the magickal war during the Big Game. »
« Soda fountains did not sell bento, » Suibhne mutters darkly.
« Let’s get right to the culture fair, which was an opportunity for the various clubs to show off their specialties, while providing fun-filled entertainment and also doing some fundraising, » says Alexander.
« We’re using the simulation to hit two seeds with the same sprinkler, » Chand explains to Anthony and Faulkner. « The new social clades are playing the roles of the school clubs in the simulation, but they’re also checking you out for enrollment purposes. In fact, as clade membership is now a requirement, everyone not part of a social scene has been invited. »
The football field shimmers, becoming lined with gaily colored booths. The closest has an enormous sign which says, “Free samples.” The booth is manned by Ace and Chase, who is smoking a blunt in the corner. The samples are of various desserts. « I don’t know if the desserts will have the same effect on someone unrecognized, » says Ace, “but they’re still tasty. »
« The Stud Buffet Club, » says Anthony, picking up a leaflet.
« We’re the oldest scene in the pleroma, » says Ace proudly, « and have the second largest membership. You’ll never want for delicious opportunities. Not like some of the other clades. Some of the ones here don’t even have official status. They need five members, and they’re short. »
« The recruitment trope, » says Driscoll. « Sadly cliché. »
I grab one of Poole’s shandy pops – I’ve never had one of those before – and we move on. The next booth is even more enticing: Constantine is lying naked across the table. « Club Rendezvous is not recruiting, » says Lorcan. « You need to be recommended by one of our current members to be considered. »
« Wow, » says Faulkner. « I’d like to belong to an exclusive club like that. »
« Which is exactly their recruitment strategy, » Driscoll sniffs.
« You disapprove? »
« Au contraire. This is my club. Lorcan and I devised the strategy ourselves. »
« What are you selling? » says Anthony, sizing up Constantine.
« Omelets, » says Lorcan.
« What? Not dessert? »
« Everyone else is doing dessert, » says Lorcan. « I told you, we don’t need members. We thought we’d have something more authentic to the historical culture fair atmosphere. »
Lorcan hands Driscoll an omelet and a squeeze bottle of Krunchy Ketchup. In a few seconds, he has sketched an alarmingly accurate caricature of me.
« But no one can eat that, ever, » says Alexander.
« It’s art, » sniffs Driscoll.
« It’s food, » says Hyde, grabbing it out of Driscoll’s hands. « And I’ll eat it if you won’t. But why don’t you come over here? »
Hyde is working the booth for the Formal Dining Clade, and I can immediately understand the appeal. Selby’s cooking smells absolutely amazing. But Patrick is the clade president, and Driscoll urges me in the other direction.
« Trying to avoid Patrick again? »
« This booth has a maid café, » says Driscoll, ignoring my question. « Because it’s a smaller clade, they have to put in a little more effort. »
« You don’t seriously expect me to accept that this is historically accurate? » I protest. « A maid café at a festival for schoolchildren? What pervert thought of that? »
The café is run by a club called the Lunatic Fringe. Simon comes out to take our order; he’s wearing a frilly maid’s outfit and neko ears. « Did Driscoll promise you a blow job for this? » I ask Alexander.
« I’d like a javajuice cappuccino, please, » says Driscoll.
« I’m pleased to be of service, onii-chan, » says Simon, winking.
« Be still my heart, » says Driscoll, fanning himself. « He’s the perfect little sister. »
« I don’t know if I’m down with this sis-con stuff, » I mutter.
« Don’t be such a hypocrite, » says Davy – or rather, the Tervok puppet on his hand. « If this was bromance, you’d be on it like a squirrel on a pile of nuts. »
« What does the Lunatic Fringe do? » asks Faulkner.
« Tentacle porn! » says Manasseh happily.
« You aren’t really planning to subject our brother to your sick cosplay fantasies, are you? » Davy whispers to Driscoll.
« Why not? You made puppets for him, didn’t you? »
« Well, that’s different. »
In response, Simon pulls out a hand-puppet of Vella the Donut, Denolin Donni’s love-interest in the Tervok franchise. Manasseh, now wearing a tentacle-glove, does exactly what one might expect.
« Let’s move along, » I suggest hastily.
« They did seem to be a little bit strange, » says Faulkner. « This next one looks promising – Mile High Club. »
« That’s my clade, » says Alexander. « We could use more recruits. »
« So, do you have sex in hovercars? » I ask.
« Um, no, but we’ll look into it, » says Marius.
« We took our name from the fact that we hang out at the temple on top of Mt. Ouroboros, » says Thomas.
« We mostly meditate, dry towels with our body heat, that kind of activity, » says Manan.
« I wonder why they’re having a membership problem, » mutters Driscoll.
« You know, » muses Alexander, « If we could get Gwion to join, we could use his dirigible. »
« We’re getting to some of the dregs now, » says Driscoll, as we continue onwards. « They’re all desperate for members. »
« Say, I don’t see anyone from Ailann’s entourage, » I observe.
« Oh, the Pastoral Scene, » says Alexander, « they refused to participate. »
« Snobs! » says Driscoll. « I hate it when someone is even more elitist than I am. »
The next booth belongs to a group calling themselves the Aquatic Adventure Clade. “We love hot tubs and water sports!” their sign proclaims. They have a dunking tank, and poor Lucius is in it.
« It’s the best theme we could think of since Mickey’s still emanated, » says Valentin. « We need to pick up another member, or else we’ll be forced to join someone else’s scene. »
« “It’s our goal to seek out and enjoy the best places in the pleroma to swim, bathe, play in the water and play with each other,” » quotes Lucius.
« Well, in my opinion, it’s the best theme I’ve seen yet, » I reply.
« If Tara likes it, maybe we should seriously consider it, » says Faulkner.
Meanwhile, Driscoll has sunk poor Lucius into the water. « What’s the prize? » he asks.
« A certificate to the café, good for any of our desserts, » says Valentin.
« Hah! Just a promotional scheme, » Driscoll says, but he takes the certificate anyway.
The next booth, Club V/E, is very nicely decorated. « Quennel’s club, » says Driscoll. « I wouldn’t have expected any less. »
« What’s V/E mean? » asks Faulkner.
« Vicarious/Exhibitionist, » Quennel answers. « See for yourself. » He hands me one of Cord’s wholos.
Yeah, I see exactly what that scene is about. Feel, smell and taste it also. « Um. My. I do have a certain appreciation for this, but the last time Cord made a wholo, Lady Lorma got her hands on it. If this sort of thing ends up outside, sooner or later, someone’s going to steal it, and we can say goodbye to any notion of privacy. »
« It’s not like it’s anything hardcore, » Tommy says.
« Hardcore? What’s more hardcore than this? »
Tommy looks down at his feet, glances away quickly, and retrieves a small knot of wood from his pocket. « This was Patrick’s idea, but Cord kinda ran with it. »
It’s a gathering at Ace’s apartment. A group of emanations has congregated on the circular couch which dominates the lounge. There’s a holographic projector in the center of the circle. An image flickers into focus, a flower, the typical blue-green of the Cu’enashti nau’gsh, but with a center of achingly perfect pink. Another twig is in view, and I can see the blossoms, the anthers starting to swell with pollen. Petals are spreading, the opening in the stigma becoming more pronounced.
The image rotates. Now we can see that we’re looking at Goliath, see its branches in bloom, anthers taught, pricking the sky as the tips enlarge. They explode in unison, releasing a cloud of pollen which covers the tree in a sticky haze. And all the men present are one big dick bursting into flower, and it seems to take forever, gusts of hot sperm and sticky pollen, an animal sensation in my loins and a sensation of alien ecstasy in parts of me that don’t even exist.
The next thing I know is that I’m on the ground moaning, and they’re all standing over me, eyes as big as holome characters. « Hardcore, » I mutter, dusting myself off. « I see. Could you imagine what would happen if Lady Magdelaine got hold of this? »
« I don’t want to even think about that, » says Tommy.
« There’s only one solution. I’m going to have to rate them, to decide whether they’re suitable for general release. So give them all to me. »
The booth next to Club V/E is as showy in a completely different way: it’s painted black and fenced off with gothic ironwork. Seth is standing in front of a sign which reads G.:A.:S.:.
« Truth in advertising, if I’ve ever seen it, » says Driscoll.
« I’m representing a secret initiatory society called the Genius Arborium Sidereum, » says Seth. « Or at least that’s what we tell outsiders. It wouldn’t be much of a secret society if we identified ourselves, would it? »
« You mean I can’t even know the name of the club unless I join it? » asks Faulkner. « But how will I know if I’d be a good fit? »
« Your innate genius may seize upon the clues to our hidden wisdom. »
Driscoll points at the sign.
The last club is Tommy’s: The Strip Club. They’re selling magazines – their club publication.
« I don’t get it, » says Alexander. « Antiquities? »
« Porn, » says Tommy. « I love skin rags. »
« I’m not sure I understand, » says Alexander. « I thought you ran a media push channel. »
« That’s fine, when you want full sensory immersion, » Tommy explains. « But sometimes a little visual stimulation is all that’s needed. I like the nostalgic aspect. And there are times when fantasy comes into play. The media push channel documents the things that have happened, but the things in the magazines have never happened. » He nudges the publication towards us. The magazine’s cover reads: “Sprout Spectacular!” Tommy flips it open to the centerfold, which is a naked photo of Alexander lounging in the sauna.
« I, ah, don’t remember actually posing for that, » says Alexander.
« That’s the imaginative element, » says Tommy. He flips the page. The next scene is of Faulkner, naked on Tommy’s couch, reacting with shock to the sight of Ari’s cock.
« So that’s what you’re imagining? » says Ari.
« Actually, I think it’s a pretty realistic extrapolation, » says Tommy.
« Is it really…that big? » gasps Faulkner.
« Look at him, » says Tommy. « He’s really that big. »
« Does it fit…anywhere? » asks Anthony.
« The pleroma provides, » says Tommy.
« Cüinn says that it’s probably some kind of wormhole effect, » Alexander adds.
« Once again, Cüinn has gotten into Chase’s highweed, » says Driscoll.
« From now on, I’m going to call him Ari the Holepuncher, » I murmur.
« The school festival took forever, and we need to move along, » says Alexander. « I think we’ll skip the soda fountain and go right to the Homecoming Dance. »
Suddenly, the amphitheater transforms into the inside of an ancient school gymnasium decorated with streamers and disco balls. Quennel appears with appropriate costumes. « I put a lot of work into these, yours especially. After all, you’re going to be elected Homecoming Queen. »
Most of the boys don tuxedos in a rainbow of hues, but Simon gets a frock. « Wouldn’t a really pretty boy like Ellery be better for the role than Simon? » I ask.
« Simon is an actor, » says Alexander. « Ellery would look like a girl, but he’d still have the mannerisms of a boy. Simon is better at being feminine. »
« It depends on whose notion of gender you’re referencing. Simon is acting like half the fops on Skarsia. And the Skarsian ideal of femininity is to punch first, ask questions later. »
« But we’re dealing with Exploitation Era stereotypes, » Dig rebuts. « Girls are supposed to be soft and cute. When they’re moe, that is. Tsunderes are supposed to act tough but have a sentimental side they’re embarrassed to admit. »
« What a stupid trope, » I grumble.
Just then, Thorne walks in. « I got a chatburl that I was needed? »
« Yeah, we need a unicorn for the Homecoming Queen to ride, » says Alexander.
« I get to ride a unicorn? » I say, jumping up and clapping.
« Just ride sidesaddle, or you’ll mess up your frock, » says Quennel.
« Maybe now is not a good time to mention the bucket of blood, » says Alexander.
As expected, the trip to the hot springs is nothing but an excuse for fanservice.
The Big Game involves the players trying to run the football down the field while the defensive line employs various magickal means to defeat them. The cheerleaders are supposed to assist by summoning mana from the crowd. We never actually find out since I absolutely refuse to wear the cheerleading uniform. « Party pooper, » Driscoll grouses.
« I thought it was hella cute, » says Simon.
Finally, we get to the graduation ceremony. « Here’s the deal, » explains Alexander. « Everyone walks across the stage to pose for a picture and receive an empty diploma case. »
« I suppose that makes sense, » I comment, « since we don’t seem to have learned much of anything. »
« Now here’s the kicker: it seems that the graduates had to survive an assassination attempt to earn their chance for adulthood. The stadium is full of neo-ninjas. Notice that the edges of the mortarboards are honed steel. When the provost raises the ceremonial mace, hurl your cap at the ninjas, sort of like a shuriken. The first to behead a ninja will get the achievement. »
« That’s what I call decapitation, » murmurs Driscoll.
« Wait, » says Anthony. « We actually have to…kill something? I don’t think that I could. »
« I thought of that, » says Alexander. « The ninjas are actually piñata-droids. When you cut off their heads, they explode with a shower of candy. »
The winner is predictable:
“Faulkner of Seachange, Siderian Imperial Master of Hawk. 93rd to emanate, 57 in the color scale, resonates to 269. 1.804 meters tall, cock size 16.87 cm when erect, apparent age 30. Falconer. Totem is Caesalpinia pulcherrima, the bird of paradise tree or peacock tree, fixed star is Tarazed, the plundering falcon or beam of the scale. Esoteric symbol is the Etruscan letter 
. Dessert is grenshorn nau’gsh flummery. Function is administrative inspiration, proto-conscious tendency is direction, designated Will. Blazon is argent, within a bordure spring green, a falcon close reversed, proper.”
In fact, he fells three ninjas with one hat.