Tag: Cillian Whelan

 

Greetings 21st Century Terrans.  My name is Patrick Fitzroy, 7th emanation of the Atlas Tree.  When the site administrator asked me to do a blog post, I considered my options carefully.  I wanted to focus on my love for literature, but at the same time, I didn’t want to convey the impression that my literary ambitions are a solitary pursuit.  Nothing is a solitary pursuit for a Cu’enashti.  Then I had a brilliant idea: I would ask the other members of my literary circle to join me in a sort of movie review.  I didn’t want something too polished; I preferred a raw, real-time response to a film that we were viewing together.  So I chose the film, and then gathered up my fellow commentators: Cillian, Evan, Dermot and Lorcan.  What follows is a transcript of what occurred.  If you want to watch along with us, you’ll have to go to the YouTube link Amazing Plants since the Smithsonian Channel disabled embedding.  I suppose they were afraid of someone dodgy getting hold of the video and damaging their respectable image.  A little paranoid, if you ask me.  Nevertheless, I’ll do my best to screenshot the most exciting aspects of tonight’s feature.

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Patrick: The film is entitled Amazing Plants.  It’s produced by the Smithsonian Channel.  As I understand it, the Smithsonian is a research institution of notable reputation, so I expect something highbrow and elucidating.  Let’s get started.

Lorcan: You haven’t tried surfing the net yet, have you?  I don’t think this culture entertains the concepts of highbrow and elucidating.

Evan: Can we not argue before the credits have even rolled?  I’d prefer to keep an open mind.

Cillian: Wait, G-rated?  Doesn’t that mean there’s no sex or violence?  I’m going to be bored off my roots.

Dermot: It looks like some kind of a medical drama.  I wasn’t expecting that.

Patrick: The nurse has brought the mimosa plant into the operating room.  Interesting.  I was under the impression that medical care for plants was very poor in this era.

Lorcan: Wait, she’s not performing a medical procedure on that mimosa.  She’s drugging and torturing it.  This is a much better flick than I expected.

Cillian: If any bitch poked at my leaves like that, I’d [expletive for animal procreation deleted] kill her.

Evan: Did she just cut that leaf?  For no apparent reason?  I feel ill.

Dermot: Wait, what’s this about carnivorous plants?  There are very few carnivorous plants.  Is this some kind of sleazy anti-plant propaganda?

Cillian: Holy compost!  Did you see that bladderwort eat that flea?

Lorcan:  The camera work is brilliant.  I love the added sound effects of the squealing fleas and the little chomping noises the bladderwort is making.  Complete artistic license, you realize.

Evan:  It’s a good thing we don’t sleep.  I’d have nightmares after that.  Wait, that pitcher plant isn’t real, right?  This must be a horror film.

Dermot:  Jamey says it’s real.  Monsters like that were never brought to the Domha’vei in the gene banks.

Cillian:  Look at the ants drowning in the digestive fluid.  It’s like a Hieronymus Bosch painting of hell.

Lorcan: “Every pitcher is a slippery death trap.”  You know, it reminds me a lot of Jonathan Edwards’ “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God”: “Their foot shall slide in due time.”

Evan: I don’t think I can stand to watch any more.  I thought this was rated G.

Dermot: And now strangleweed.  This is a hate-filled screed.  If it were shown on Dolparessa, there would be a mass outcry.

Patrick: Are you okay, Evan?

Evan:  That poor tomato.  I can’t watch.

Cillian: Evan, you might want to look now.  We’ve gotten to the porn.

Evan: Oh, my word!

Tommy: Did someone say porn?

Cillian: Hey, you’re not in the literary circle.  Who invited you?

Tommy: I know more about porn than all of you put together.  If anyone’s qualified to be a critic, it’s me.  Pass me a beer.

Cillian: Um, is that wasp humping that orchid?

Dermot: The narrator said that the orchid produces a scent that smells like wasp pheromone, and the fur feels just like wasp fur.

Tommy:  Like one of those expensive Japanese sex dolls.  Wow, this is some kinky hard core stuff you’ve found, Patrick.

Cilian:  It’s an orgy!  That skunk cabbage is having an orgy.  Look at that pollen!

Lorcan:  Apparently it smells like rotting flesh and excrement.  So there’s a scatological angle here, too.

Tommy:  Whoa.  WHOA.  Did you see that stamen?  I feel so inadequate.  Let’s not show Tara this movie.

Evan:  We are never, ever showing Tara this movie.

Dermot: Well, this next section about the acacia seems a bit brighter.  The acacia seems to have formed a working relationship with those ants.

Evan:  Yes, it’s quite inspiring…AAAAAAAAGH!

Cillian: That dude just came out of nowhere and maimed that tree.  This is severe.

Dermot:  It’s making me very uneasy about what humans will justify in the name of science.  I think we’ll need to have a long talk with Cuinn.

Evan:  Oh oh oh.  I don’t care if I don’t sleep.  That will definitely give me nightmares.

Patrick:  Dermot, I’m coming to the conclusion that you’re right.  Listen to them vilify that tobacco plant: “the evil weed.”  All it did was defend itself from being eaten by those caterpillars.

Cillian:  I think humans have got a grudge against tobacco.  The lung cancer thing.

Patrick:  Well, all it did was defend itself from being smoked by those humans.

Dermot:  That erodium seed has a really good design philosophy.  Like an automated corkscrew!  I think Owen would be interested in that.

Cillian: If we wanted to make sure our seeds got planted, that is.  But I’ve got enough on my hands with one kid already.  I’m going seedless the next time I fruit.

Tommy:  Look!!!  Did I just see that?

Cillian: Holy compost.  A [expletive for ejaculation deleted] shot in a G-rated flick?

Patrick:  They’re repeating it again.  The squirting cucumber.

Tommy:  I think I gotta take a cold shower now.

Cillian:  I’ll join you.

Patrick:  Me, too.

Dermot: And that wraps up the movie night.

Evan:  Where is everybody going?

Lorcan: I thought you didn’t want to watch the movie.

Evan:  Well, it was starting to get interesting…