We return to my laboratory as quickly as possible, where I retrieve The Hedgemegeton; it falls open, not in the least coincidentally, to the needed rite. « To break the enchantment on the unicorn king, we must trace a sigil of fascination on a piece of consecrated parchment. I use the term consecrated loosely, as it is clearly a rite of Black Magick. »
« It’s the darkest ritual in the book, » says Merrick, grinning.
« Quite probably. However, I still fail to understand the necessity for such a dangerous operation. »
« Look, it’s well-known that unicorns have a purity fetish. If we’re going to incorporate him into the pleroma, we’re going to have to burst his pink bubble. It won’t work unless he’s completely and utterly corrupted. »
I can see the logic in Merrick’s twisted mind. And yet…what effect would performing such a ritual have upon the operants?
« All it needs is a sacrifice, » says Merrick. « The scarlet liquid of life. » His grin chills me to the bone. « Look, your part is simple. Just take your clothing off and lay spread-eagled in the circle. »
« Surely, you don’t intend to sacrifice me? »
Merrick laughs the laugh of pure evil, the kind which is the signature of all the better voice-acting academies. Suddenly, he brandishes a knife – a very sharp, dangerous looking kitchen knife.
« Ha! » he yells, swinging the blade. Instinctively, I close my eyes, shielding my face with my arm. I hear a solid thwok, like the blade hitting a hard surface, and feel the spatter of liquid against my hand.
I open my eyes. Next to my lab sink, a pool of pale reddish liquid surrounds the remains of what was once a tomato.
Merrick scoops the remains of the departed into a high-pressure distillation rig. « Much more efficient than simple boiling, » he explains. « Just add a bit of vinegar, sugar, a pinch of salt. »
« But…the seeds… »
« That’s exactly the point! » Merrick yells. « Commercial ketchup is useless for dark rites because the seeds are spared! »
Soon, the laboratory smells like a Sicilian Revivalist kitchen. While the ketchup cooks, Merrick is busy chalking out the proper diagrams upon the floor. « Unclothe! » he demands, hastily gesturing for me to take my place in the circle. While I drape my robes over the cabinet, he fills a squirt bottle with the obscene substance. I lay myself upon the cold stone, shuddering, perhaps from the temperature, perhaps from the aura of evil congealing in my sanctum.
He begins to draw a pentagram on my chest. « Do you think this will make a good lubricant? »
It takes me a moment to divine his meaning. « Surely you don’t intend…Tara hasn’t given you permission… »
« I’m a demon. What kind of demon asks permission to get laid? »
Just that instant, Evan and Tarlach burst through the door. « Stop! » screams Evan. « Oh, no, we’re too late. There’s blood everywhere. »
« It looks like ketchup, » says Tarlach. « I thought you were performing a sacrifice? »
« Tarlach spies on everyone, » I explain to Merrick. « I don’t know why Evan is here. »
« He was undergoing advanced PRAT/PIT Therapy to increase his tolerance for perversion, » Tarlach explains. « Having his branch twisted and wire-trained has made Quennel very kinky as of late. »
« The poor, murdered tomatoes, » Evan laments.
« Tomatoes are fruit, Evan, » sighs Tarlach. « They’re meant to be eaten. »
« But this is ceremonial ketchup, » says Merrick. « I left the seeds in! »
« The horror! » gasps Evan.
Tarlach bends over me, sticking a finger in my ketchup. « It’s a bit crunchy, » he says. « I suppose that I should be documenting this. I’ve never investigated the impact of sex magick on pollen receptivity. Merrick does seem quite receptive. » Tarlach stares pointedly at my groin. « And it seems to have improved Seth’s receptivity, too. »
« Would you mind? » says Merrick, annoyed. « I’m in the middle of a dark rite here. »
« Evan is an innocent, » Tarlach replies. « Surely having him witness this obscene ritual will only enhance the experience for all concerned? »
« You might have a point, » concedes Merrick. « Well, either leave or make yourself useful by getting into that triangle. »
« What, this triangle over here? »
I try in vain to warn him: « Tarlach, no, that’s… »
Too late. « Ha! » cackles Merrick. « The triangle is where the demon manifests. And since I’m the only demon here, I’ll possess him myself. »
« Oh my, » says Tarlach insincerely. « It appears that I’m completely helpless against the evil. »
Merrick rips open Tarlach’s shirt. He proffers a jar with a chillingly familiar label. « If ketchup is not blasphemous enough for you…I will draw the final sigil in Nuttbutttm![1] »
With horror, I realize that I was blind – the one needing to be warned is Merrick. « Tarlach is manipulating you. Remember, you were born yesterday, while he makes a profession of cruising for pollen partners. He’ll tell Tara that he couldn’t help himself, but he’s really enjoying this demonic non-con scenario. »
Evan stares at the scene, swallowing hard. « I really don’t understand why people enjoy things like this. Love is about mutual respect. »
« Evan is really into humiliation scenes, » Tarlach whispers to Merrick, « but if you make a move on him, Quennel will probably douse your leaves in kerosene. »
I am really starting to lose my patience. « Forget about them, Merrick. Concentrate on the rite. I’m ready! Sacrifice me! »
[1] A popular brand of chocumber-hazelnut butter – trans.