As interviewed by Bobert Crandon, president and ecumenical correspondent of Vega Vids.
BC: The very best of rotations to you, Your Holiness! Let’s start with the question everyone wants to know – a new emanation of Goliath, named Seth, has just been named an archbishop of the church. This is unprecedented! Can you discuss that decision?
AT: Well, we had to do something with him, and the other choice was opening a goth bar – but with two nightclubs already, we didn’t want to increase the competition for ourselves. Only joking, Bobert. The truth is that he has a very theological bent, and someone like him is sorely needed to redefine the direction of the church in its change from a monotheism to a Manichean dualism.
BC: Perhaps you could explain that a little more, Your Holiness. I was given to understand that Archon Aran wasn’t an evil god per se…
AT: That’s an interesting question, Bobert. He isn’t evil, but he is the source of evil – as he is the source of good. Aran believes in the duality principle. He believes in rewarding the righteous and punishing the corrupt.
BC: I’ve seen it first hand, Your Holiness. His holiness Archon Aran doesn’t monkey around.
AT: Ahahahahaha
BC: Ahahahahaha
AT: How is Mosha, by the way?
BC: Better every day. They’ve finally tweaked the dosage on his meds.
AT: I, on the other hand, feel that there is no such thing as absolute evil, that all life is on a glorious voyage to further evolution. It is possible to be mistaken, to do hurtful things, yes, and correction may be necessary. But I feel that all beings have the potential for enlightenment.
BC: That’s amazing, Your Holiness. You’ve managed in one fell swoop to appeal to conservatives and liberals alike.
AT: Anyway, Archbishop Seth is hard at work on a definition of evil. He says that, like romantic love, it’s something intellectuals tend to dismiss as adolescent because of their embarrassment at their own youthful speculations. Nevertheless, it’s something that the deepest thinkers must engage themselves with.
BC: Indeed it is, Your Holiness. Members of our audience, message me now – what is your definition of evil? We’ll tally the results in a few minutes. One final question, Your Holiness, one that’s on everyone’s minds – is Two of Jacks ever going to release a new album?
AT: I’m sure they will, but the time isn’t right, not with the predomination of progpop on the music scene. Whirljack says there’s no way you’ll ever see him in skintight glitter hose.