Purpose:
The stress-test will assure that the system has appropriate and adequate security protocols.
After a while, I grabbed Malachi and a bathrobe. « I want to move on. Evan and Daniel seem to have Ailann well in hand, and I think I hear Wynne’s group next door. »
« It’s the Billiard Room, » says Malachi. « It’s got very interesting acoustic properties. »
« How do you know that? »
« I read the guidebook, » he says. He hands me a paperback entitled Decadence and Death on the Moika River. It was published in 2118. I didn’t know they still printed books in 2118.
« People like physical souvenirs, » explains Malachi. « Anyway, this was the source Suibhne used in his reconstruction. He got it from the restricted literature section of the Matriarch’s library. »
I leaf through it. « Typical Exploitation Era literature. All the treasures of humanity prostituted for the tourist dollar. You have to keep trash like this book under lock and key, or the next thing you know, someone will be squawking that the plebes have a right to see the Hall of History. And the fastest way to destroy antiquities is with a lot of traffic. »
« They can just use the holos, » says Malachi. « It’s exactly like being there. »
« Not quite. No matter how good the simulation, the real thing is better. There’s just something more…real about it. »
« It’s all in the mind, » he says.
« No, it’s not. Did you see the advertisement in the back? This palace was available for rental – everything from cocktail parties to business conferences to fashion shows. »
« Exactly as Comrade Lenin intended, » says Malachi.
« You could even get married here. I know when I think of romance, the first thing on my mind is the murder of Rasputin. »
Driscoll is standing at the far end of the room, in front of exquisite stained glass windows. They depict a stand of trees with a lake in the distance, a pastoral substitute for the real truth beyond the window, which was originally, according to the photos in the guidebook, a view straight into the courtyard wall. In actuality, we should be facing the hilift in the center of the Atlas Treedominium. At the other end of the room, a curved sofa is built into a domed alcove with a billiard table placed in front of it.
« These windows are magnificent, » Driscoll says. « I’m just going to stay here admiring them. »
« He’s just going to stay there avoiding anything which might force him to be honest, » whispers Hurley. His statement reverberates throughout the room.
« Acoustic properties, » says Malachi. « The designer had a perverse streak. »
« Why should I? » says Driscoll. « My preferences were deliberately ignored. Tara assigned me to this group so that Hurley and Ace can grill me while Balin treats Chase like a charity case. Let’s just skip it and watch Wynne screw Ace. It will be much more fun for everyone. »
« Driscoll, you accessed the request applications in Tarlach’s branch, didn’t you? » Ace accuses. « That was a rotten thing to do. »
« I consider it self-defense, » Driscoll replies, « although I expected Lorcan to be the one to set me up. And Lorcan didn’t even care enough to request me. »
« Lorcan is on our tree, you drama queen, » says Wynne. « And you get to emanate a lot so that you can work on your paintings. He’s pollinated you numerous times. »
« I’m setting you up, » mutters Hurley. « Ace and I are setting you up. » I am shocked at the tone of bitterness in his voice. Hurley always used to be laughing and cracking jokes, but now I realize that he has been melancholy for quite some time. Why didn’t I notice before this? Then again, how the hell am I supposed to keep track of the politics of my harem when it’s so fucking big? I need agents.
Actually, I had an agent – Tommy. But he stopped reporting to me when Ash was trying to hide the truth about Yggdrasil. And I’m so dumb I didn’t notice that blatant sign something was wrong.
« I think we should get started, » says Balin.
« Since our sin is indiscretion, we decided to play Truth or Dare, » says Wynne.
« Wynne insisted on a game, and it made more sense given the theme than billiards, » adds Balin.
« I don’t understand why gambling isn’t one of the vices of victory, » says Wynne.
« I don’t even know what Truth or Dare means, » Malachi admits.
« It’s an ancient human custom, » Wynne explains. « One picks either option, and is challenged. Failure to meet the challenge entails loss of the game, as well as the ridicule of your peers. »
« I see, » Malachi muses. « A form of interrogation. Then this is a prison camp scenario. »
« No, » says Ace. « Little girls played it at slumber parties with their friends. It was a means to induce social conformity in the young. »
« Kids are so creepy, » Chase says. « I need a hit. »
« Was this inflicted upon you when you were a child? » Malachi asks me, concerned.
« No, because I didn’t have any friends. Guests at the palace stayed in a separate wing, and they always talked about me behind my back. »
« Hey, there’s a secret passage in this room, » says Chase. « It’s awesome. »
« That’s not uncommon in a palace, » I inform them. « They’re all over the place at Vuernaco. The last time I was in one, Sloane got shot. »
« This is where they hid all the valuables when the revolution happened, » says Driscoll, quickly changing the subject. « This palace was brimming with priceless art and extravagant jewels. But the plebes found the things eventually and moved it to a hermitage they’d taken away from an order of monks when they made religion illegal. »
« This was during the Wars of Centralization? » asks Ace.
« No, » says Malachi. « Religion was made illegal a number of times. It seems to be a predictable phenomenon: whenever the rulers amass enormous wealth and the people have none, religion is declared illegal. »
« That makes sense, » says Wynne, « since the gods obviously suck if they allow conditions to get like that. Ailann watches the economy carefully. »
« Those people deserved what they got, » says Balin. « The number of trees they murdered just to decorate this palace is astounding. »
« The Hermitage wasn’t actually a hermitage, » Malachi continues, consulting the guidebook. « Catherine the Great just felt like naming it that. There were never any monks there. »
« Rasputin was a monk, but he mostly stayed in brothels, » says Driscoll.
« Catherine the Great? » asks Balin. « What was so great about her? »
« She died having sex with a horse, » says Driscoll.
« It would’ve been greater if she’d lived, » notes Wynne.
« That option is still open, » says Driscoll. « The horse, I mean, not the death. Mothman 2.2 could be a centaur. »
« None of that is true, » Malachi protests. « Catherine the Great died of a stroke. Rasputin was never officially a monk, and the reports of his sexual excesses are exaggerated. »
« Who cares if it’s true? » says Driscoll. « The truth is usually such a letdown. »
« I’m really amazed that Ash is able to accomplish anything. I would think that having an orgy would be relatively straightforward, and not require an intensive discussion of the symbolism of penguins or the court gossip of ancient Russia. »
« The Russian Revolution was tacky, » Driscoll complains. « Why couldn’t Suibhne have decided to live in Versailles? Isn’t Robespierre more interesting than Rasputin? »
« I’m starting to miss Mickey. He’d keep things on track. Balin, you take over. »
« Let’s start the game, » says Balin. « Tara, truth or dare? »
« Wait, I have to do this? »
« It’s your orgy. »
« Truth. »
« You’d really rather be with Evan right now, wouldn’t you? » Balin asks.
« Actually, I’m more worried about Ailann. I shouldn’t have left him back there. »
« I could go and get him, » Malachi offers.
I shake my head. « It’s too late, and I’m sure he knows where to find us if he wants to be here. »
« Why do you always fight with Ailann, and then protect him when he isn’t around? » asks Balin.
« You only get one question. Wynne, Truth or Dare? »
« Dare, » says Wynne.
« Is the point of this game to be mean to people you don’t like? » asks Driscoll. « Like you could dare them to go home and not come back? »
« Why would you even think of such a horrible thing? » says Ace. « That’s depressing. »
« Will a blindfold work in here? » I ask.
« A blindfold? » Balin repeats.
« It won’t work on one of you outside, since your sense of smell and perception of energy is infinitely better than your human vision. But will it work inside of the pleroma? »
« I don’t know for certain, » says Malachi. « No one has ever tried it. But it might. Intent means everything in the pleroma. »
« It would be easy to cheat, » says Driscoll. « Just access the memory of one of the other branches. There would be a delay of a few seconds – nothing to worry about unless someone were trying to attack you. »
« Why would anyone attack his fellow branch? » asks Balin.
« Fights have broken out, » says Wynne. « It’s pretty rare. But accessing another branch would be cheating anyway. »
« I’m going to try it. I’m going to blindfold Wynne. What can I use? »
« I think they sell blindfolds in the gift shop, » says Malachi. « I’ll be right back. »
« Is Suibhne absolutely sure that the palace is 99% authentic? » I call after him.
Sure enough, Malachi returns shortly with a blindfold – an archaic silky contraption meant to be worn when too much light causes trouble falling asleep. I place it over Wynne’s eyes.
« Wow, » says Wynne. « This is weird. I can still hear you, but I can’t sense where anybody is. »
« Quick, change seats, » says Driscoll.
« Oh good grief, » says Malachi. « Tara, what do you want him to do? »
« I want everybody to change seats. »
« This seems more like trick than dare, » says Ace.
« Here’s the dare: I want everybody in the room to kiss Wynne – everyone except me. At the end, Wynne will tell us which one he liked best. »
« I was really enjoying that idea until the last bit, sweetness, » says Wynne.
« If you want to be meaner, you should have him rate them. Better still, rank them in order, » says Driscoll.
« I’m not trying to be mean. Driscoll, you are really being a bitch tonight. I just want to see who Wynne really thinks is the best kisser. All right, here’s what I want you to do. Wynne, I’m going to put you in this chair. Everybody else stay on the couch. I know this is going to be the hardest part about the whole thing, but all of you need to stay totally silent. Then when I point to you, go kiss him.
« Why can’t he stand? » asks Driscoll. « It will be awkward to bend to the level of that chair. »
« So he can’t guess by height, » says Balin. «It’s not a big worry for you and Hurley and Ace, but Malachi is small, and I’m tall. »
« Shush! » I scold. « All right, ready, Wynne? »
He nods.
Malachi’s kiss is quick and affectionate, Balin’s is rougher. Driscoll shoves his tongue into Wynne’s mouth, forcing Ace to ramp up the stakes by being even more passionate. Hurley’s kiss is gentle and sincere, and finally Chase, closing his eyes, kisses Wynne with a lingering tenderness which seems to go on and on…until Chase opens his eyes, looking a little bit stunned. He blinks rapidly, as though trying to wake himself up.
« Can I try that again, » asks Wynne?
« No. You have to judge based on the kisses you’ve received. »
« Shit. They’re all good, but in different ways. Ah, number three was the hottest, but overall, I think I’d go for number six. »
Ace slumps in his seat. « Three was Driscoll, and six was Chase, » he says.
Wynne rips off the blindfold. « No way! I thought that three was Balin and six was Ace. What happened to my luck? »
« It wasn’t a contest of luck, » says Driscoll. « It was a contest of skill. »
« Well, it’s Wynne’s turn now. »
« Can’t we play something else, like spin the bottle? » Wynne pleads.
« We just did, » says Driscoll. « Because the bottle would always point at you, and you’d eventually end up kissing everyone. How about Russian Roulette instead? It would be appropriate to the scene – or maybe we could go into the basement and pretend to be Rasputin. At least that way the outcome isn’t certain – it’s 50/50 whether Chase or I would lose. »
« Driscoll, » says Balin curtly, « you just won. »
« All right, I pick Ace, » says Wynne, completely ignoring Driscoll.
« Truth, » says Ace.
« What turns you on sexually? »
« Oh man, » says Driscoll, slapping his knee. « Wynne is just turning this into an opportunity to put the moves on Ace. »
« This is supposed to be an orgy, » I remind him.
« I just like to hang out with my buds, » says Ace. « This room isn’t a bad setup with this curved seat along the wall, but it isn’t half as comfortable as my place. I just like to sit around relaxing and, you know…pollinate. »
« Yeah, » says Wynne, scratching his head.
Ace realizes that he’s said exactly the wrong thing. « I have real hopes for the cross-pollination requests, » he adds quickly.
« But tiny airplanes, » says Wynne. « It isn’t going to be the same as a real pollen poof, is it? »
« Maybe not, but still…it will be exciting. Although it would be a lot more exciting to have it done by hand, like Tara did to Harsh…remember how she stroked your anthers, Wynne? And then to bring that pollen to me…»
Ace leans back in his seat, eyes closed. Idly, his hand strokes his crotch.
« She’d blow that pollen right up me, a hot wind ravishing my delicate pistils…»
Wynne bites his lip, thrusting his clenched hands between his knees.
« Um, Ace? » Balin addresses. « It’s your turn. »
Ace sits up, clears his throat. « OK, I pick Driscoll. »
« Truth. »
« Why are you such an asshole? »
Everybody, including Driscoll, laughs.
« It’s my calling in life, » Driscoll answers. « I take every opportunity to practice my art. My turn. My challenge is for Chase. »
« Huh? » Chase blinks several times.
« Truth or dare. You have to pick one. »
« Which is easier? »
« Probably dare, » says Driscoll. « You might have to think about truth. »
« OK, dare. »
« Driscoll, that wasn’t fair, » I protest. « You can’t influence his decision. »
« No one said I couldn’t, » Driscoll replies. « All right, I want Chase to strip naked, put on the blindfold and go into the secret passage. We each get two minutes to do whatever we’d like to him. »
« Wow, » says Ace. « That’s an awesome dare. I wish I’d thought of that. »
« That’s why we leave the party-planning to Driscoll, » says Wynne. « We should’ve let him plan this orgy. »
« How do we know when two minutes have passed? »
« There’s a clock in the gift shop, » says Malachi. « I’ll get it. »
I put the blindfold on Chase. « It’s dark in here, » he says. « Am I in the secret passage yet? »
« Not yet. Somebody steer him in the right direction. »
Wynne takes his hand. They disappear from sight. Then there is a large crashing noise.
« You shouldn’t be starting yet, » Driscoll scolds. « We’re still waiting for the clock. »
« No, » says Wynne, « I just bumped into this thing. » He pulls a large canvas from the passage.
« That’s a Rembrandt, » says Driscoll. « Wynne found a Rembrandt hidden in the secret passage. It figures. »
« I have my doubts as to its authenticity, » I mutter.
« It’s a famous work, » says Driscoll. « I’m quite certain. »
« There’s just something about it that makes me think it might be a reproduction by a later artist. »
« Tara, » says an exasperated Driscoll, « why would Suibhne have a fake imaginary Rembrandt hidden in his palace? There’s no reason not to have a real imaginary Rembrandt. »
« I really miss Mickey. He’d surely have gotten us to the sex by now. »
« It’s a little cheesy, » Malachi apologizes as he presents us with a cuckoo clock. « Tourists will buy anything. »
Driscoll gestures at Wynne: « All right, go in there and molest Chase. »
« But I was just in there. »
« That’s why he’ll never guess it’s you. Also, if you happen to find a Vermeer, let me know. Everyone else, synchronize your watches. »
I throw my bathrobe on the floor.
After a minute of staring, Balin asks, « Did anyone look at the clock? »
Driscoll turns to me, an expression of accusation in his eyes. « You did that on purpose. »
« Probably, » I reply. « I just thought it would get us to the sex faster. »
« I have no objection to that, » says Balin. « Why don’t we all remove our clothes? »
« If you don’t mind, I think I’ll just go for a walk, » says Hurley. « I’m tired of games. »
« I asked the wrong question earlier, » Ace says to Driscoll. « I should’ve asked why you can’t just be honest. »
« My art has always been completely honest, » Driscoll replies. « There’s such a thing as too much honesty. »
« Not when you’re hurting the people who care about you, » says Ace.
« How long does Wynne get to stay in the secret passage with Chase? » asks Balin.
« Why do you care? » snaps Driscoll. « You just feel sorry for Chase anyway. »
Balin’s face registers the shock of the attack. He grabs Driscoll by the lapels. It becomes suddenly apparent that Balin is larger than Driscoll – much larger.
« I feel sorry for you! » Balin bellows as he shakes the tetchy artist. « Ace wants you, Hurley wants you, Lorcan wants you, and you treat all of them like shit. If somebody wanted me like that, I’d be much more considerate. »
Driscoll grins. « Why would anyone attack his fellow branch? » he mocks.
Abashed, Balin releases Driscoll.
« You moron, you haven’t even realized that Wynne has the hots for you, » Driscoll says as he straightens his paisley scarf. « Seeing as you’re already half-naked, why don’t you go and join him and Chase in the tunnel of love? »
I touch Balin on the shoulder. « For more reasons than one, that sounds like a good idea. Don’t worry. You’ll get your chance. You beat Whirljack in cocksmanship, after all. »
Balin nods and ducks into the passage.
« Fine, » snaps Driscoll. « Now that he’s out of the way, the Driscoll intervention can proceed. »
« This stress test is uncovering an annoying amount of serious bugs, » I say to Malachi.
« I’m done, » says Hurley. « I thought we shared something special, and I’ve been holding on to it for years. But I’m a fool, always have been. It’s hopeless. »
« Ash, what is Driscoll’s problem? Is it because I hit him that time? »
« Tara, that’s water under the roots, » Driscoll says, dropping back into his seat. He fusses with his scarf, clearly agitated. After a few seconds, he starts again: « I wish I were more like Malachi. I don’t even know how to begin to say this. It’s just when I look at a branch, I can see beneath the bark, and I can’t help but paint what I see. It’s just easier if I keep people away from me by hurting them a little than by letting them get close and hurting them a lot. »
Driscoll rises, walking quickly towards the doorway, shoving his hands into his pockets. For a moment he stares at the lovely stained glass windows. « I really thought that Patrick might work, » he says. « Patrick is so fucking stable, it’s hard to hurt him. »
« I hurt him once, » I reply. « Badly. »
« That’s different. I don’t think that Patrick could be hurt by the knowledge of what he is. »
« We’re talking about the man who has fugues because he can’t cope with his own violent impulses, right? »
« Damn it, I can’t explain myself, » says Driscoll, pounding his fist against the wall. « I just know that Patrick would be better than Lorcan or Ace. Maybe because he’d never get too attached to me. Lorcan’s okay though. Lorcan knows all about staying distant to avoid hurting the ones you love. We can play that game forever. »
Malachi takes my hand. « Tara, I think we should check on the threesome in the passage. »
I look at him askance, but he motions urgently.
We pile into the secret room. The air is moist with sweat. Behind me, I can feel a certain frantic moving of flesh, but it is too dark to tell who is doing what to whom.
« Could you guys moan a little more softly? » asks Malachi. « We’re trying to hear. »
And then I remember what Malachi had said about acoustics. Ace is sitting in the perfect spot for his voice to be easily heard anywhere in the room. As Driscoll draws closer to him, I can hear them both perfectly clearly.
« I can’t even speak about Hurley, » says Driscoll. « Sad little dreamer, I would rip him to pieces. »
« I can sense probabilities, » Ace counters. « Do you think that’s easy? »
Driscoll laughs. « No, I would guess not. »
« Why do you think I haven’t pushed it with you? I can look down the road and see all the good times I’ll have with Wynne, but when I look down the road, I see what a pain in the ass you are. »
« Then we’re in agreement. »
« Asshole! » yells Ace. « Did you ever once think that it would be worth it to me? To Hurley? »
« It’s easy for you to say that now, » says Driscoll. « It’s easy to say that before you see…»
« I’m going to take the blindfold off now, okay? » says Chase.
« Wait, who am I kissing? » asks Balin.
« Not me, » says Wynne. « Sadly. »
« Me, » says Malachi. « It’s okay. You can carry on. »
« I still can’t see anything, » says Chase. « It’s dark. »
« Shhhh! » I scold.
There is a solid bump, a sudden thunk against the floor.
« I think I found another one, » says Wynne, « maybe two. I can’t tell if there’s a Vermeer in this darkness, though. »
The secret door flies open. « Show them to me, » Driscoll demands. « I’ll know. »
Of course, since Wynne and Chase had been the first ones into the confined space, the rest of us have to squeeze out first. Malachi’s face is flushed; Balin scowls in frustration.
« I found this, too, » says Wynne, holding up a violin.
He hands the instrument to Malachi, then bends to retrieve the paintings. « Ah, » Malachi says, « according to the guidebook, this must be the Stradivarius. »
Wynne passes the artworks to Balin, who takes one in either hand and holds them up to view.
« Those aren’t by Vermeer, » Driscoll snaps. « That’s…»
Two original Garrets.
The first is a rough but remarkably accurate pastel caricature of Ace, posing in front of a mirror, making a face while wearing one of Driscoll’s outrageous scarves. The other is a detailed oil of Hurley, obviously aroused, wearing nothing but his bowler hat.
« He could’ve held the hat like a fig leaf, » I observe. « But then again, I like it as it is. »
« Mmmm, » says Balin, eying Hurley’s crotch. « It’s a flattering portrait. »
Driscoll slaps his forehead. « I burned both of those, » he says.
« The truth comes out, » says Ace. « You think I’m making fun of you. You say you’re afraid of hurting us, but you’re really afraid of being hurt. »
« I’m a person of no small emotional complexity, » says Driscoll. « Both things are true. »
« Hey Hurley, » calls Chase, « you should either tell him what you want, or just walk away. »
« Imbecile, » mocks Driscoll, « he has to pick truth or dare before you tell him the nature of the challenge. »
« I wanted to share my dreams with someone, » Hurley says quietly. « I thought that maybe you’d like to paint them. »
Driscoll returns to the couch, drawing his knees to his chest and lowering his head. He is silent for a moment.
He raises his head. « This couch is the most uncomfortable seat in the history of furniture, » he proclaims.
« All the furnishings are that way, » says Malachi.
« Also, it’s a completely impractical shape for sex, » Driscoll adds.
« We could always use the billiards table, » suggests Balin.
« Don’t mess up the cloth, » says Wynne. « I was hoping for a game later. »
Result of Stress-test 3:
It became clear that the auto-defense mechanism was adjusted to have too great a sensitivity. After some tweaking with the aid of his companions, Driscoll became much more smoothly responsive.
It also became clear that good quality pool-cloths are unable to withstand an excessive amount of friction.