Purpose:
To increase nau’gshtamine production in certain disturbed branches. A side-benefit should be an increase in the stability and self-reported happiness of the branches in question.
Participants:
Ross Adare, Sloane Lord Redmond of Skalisia, Valentin del Eden’d
Materials:
A newly constructed office complex, customer satisfaction/marketing survey.
Hypothesis:
Recent studies have indicated that the two most important factors in nau’gshtamine output are availability of enthusiastic partner branches accompanied by a stable, pollen-receptive mentality. The hypothesis is that both factors may be addressed by pairing a nau’gshtamine weak branch with a high-producing and psychologically healthy partner. This should lead to increased nau’gshtamine production in the experimental subject.
Procedure [Reported by Her Eminence Tara del D’myn, Matriarch of Skarsia]:
Ethan had spent the night focusing his extraordinary senses on every part of the ship, locating every incidence of metal fatigue, every improperly lubricated joint, every worn cable. In the morning, he made the rounds to the engineering and maintenance staff to give them a piece of his mind.
“He’s not much like Lugh, is he?” I asked.
Barnabas shook his head. “Ethan’s a workaholic. And he really likes to bitch.”
Barnabas and I snuggled up with a mug of javajuice and summoned the media push. The top story on GalMedi was our imminent arrival at Eirelantra. “Princes Ethan and Barnabas are rumored to be accompanying the Matriarch. As you may remember, the last time they emanated on Eirelantra, Prince Ethan was held hostage by a terrorist cell which turned out to be headed by none other than the Archon’s brainwashed daughter. And then this happened…”
Cut to the scene in the council chambers, with Barnabas holding me over his head, flashing my panties to the camera.
Barnabas cringed. “Why do humans always choose to remember the unpleasant things? It doesn’t make any sense.”
“One, because GalMedi makes a lot of money out of making us look like fools; two, the human brain is wired to learn from mistakes, thus avoiding potentially hazardous situations in the future. It’s why we enjoy watching simulations of people being dismembered and things like that.”
Barnabas shook his head. “I can’t understand that either,” he said. “That type of horror media just turns my stomach. And then people get all upset about a little bit of sex. Why not watch porn? It’s healthy and life-affirming.”
I flipped to a porn channel. “Hey, look at that guy. Whoa, he’s well-hung.”
“Not as well-hung as Ari,” Barnabas murmured.
“Look at him keep it up. I’ll just bet he’s on some kind of drug. You know, I’ve never investigated the male-vitality market as an area of development for RR-2 Labs – probably because it’s never been an issue for me.”
“That’s right,” he said rather sullenly. “Because Cu’enashti emanations naturally have more staying power than humans. Why are we watching this?”
“Because it’s healthy and life-affirming. Or does that just apply to females with big knockers?”
“I’m not into that sort of thing,” said Barnabas. “Tommy is.”
“Barnabas, the thing about porn is that sometimes it’s hard not to conceptualize the actors on the screen as vicarious sex-partners. For some people, it’s just entertainment, but for others, it’s a threat to their relationships, and rather than admit it, they come up with all sorts of rationales about how the actors are being exploited, or the actors lack self-respect, or that the people watching it are perverts.”
“I suppose. Fuck, that girl is acrobatic.”
“If everyone could bend like that, there would be no market for vibrators.”
“Well, we’re going to have to cut this short. Tarlach wants you inside. He said something about needing to have a meeting of the CCPR for a quarterly review.”
“He just wants to screw Constantine again.”
“He says it’s about an experiment.”
“That sucks. I was enjoying your company.”
“We’ll be here when you get back. I can go help Ethan. Otherwise, he’ll call me a slacker.”
When I get inside, Tarlach and Constantine are waiting for me. « Let’s go up to the new CCPR Research Center, » Tarlach proposes.
This is news to me. Apparently, there are enormous unused areas in the Yggdrasil Tower, and Axel decided to rent out some office space.
« We’re renting? » I ask. « How are we paying him? »
« I’m paying in kind, » says Tarlach. « It’s confidential. »
The suite was sleek and spacious, much better than meeting in my frilly pink bedroom. At the front was a huge marble reception desk manned by a General Panic-droid costumed as a secretary.
« It’s her job to screen our calls, get rid of vendors, that sort of thing, » says Tarlach.
« Vendors? » I ask. « We’re inside of Ash’s head. « What kind of vendors…»
Before I can finish, what appears to be a penguin carrying a sample case enters and approaches the desk. Tarlach quickly grabs my elbow and leads us into a conference room behind the reception area. He closes the door and turns on a monitor. « This is great, » he says. « The room is completely soundproofed, but we can watch what’s going on in any of the counselling rooms. »
« But you can review any branch’s memory. »
« Legal issues, » says Constantine. « They sign a release when they come here. »
« What legal issues? We’re inside of Ash’s head. Seriously, can a branch sue another branch on the same tree? »
« I’d rather not set that precedent, » says Constantine. « There are trees that don’t get along nearly as well as we do. Imagine if one branch, while emanated, spent all of the other branches’ savings. »
« Would that really happen? It would be so self-defeating…»
« Have you never done anything you regretted the next day? » asks Tarlach, giving me a skeptical look.
« Well…»
« Humans do self-destructive things all the time, » says Constantine, « but they lack legal recourse against themselves. Whether Cu’enashti emanations have it is, as I’ve stated, an area of the law I’d rather not investigate. »
I stand there, stunned, while Tarlach waves his hand over a datapad on the table.
« Reviewing the experiments of the past three months, » says Tarlach, « we discovered a bunch of loose ends. And we think a new program I’ve developed can help. »
« It’s called Big Budders, » says Constantine. « It’s a play on words. The emanations chosen for the program are ones who will function in a brotherly fashion, but also as exemplary fruit producers. »
« We’ve basically got three problem emanations, » says Tarlach. « First, Chase. Our intervention failed utterly. »
« Seth said we shouldn’t mess with Chase, » I point out.
« Seth can speak with spiritual but not psychological authority, » Tarlach refutes. « Next, Lorcan. He’s no virgin, but he’s never fruited, ever, not even during the auto-pollination. »
« I’ve been thinking about that. But I’m not sure that he’d accept anyone’s help. »
« Third is Ellery. We have to find out what is going on with Ellery. »
« Now there I’m in total agreement. »
« The participants in the experiment are Ross, Sloane and Valentin, » Constantine said.
« Ross and Sloane? Really? »
« What’s wrong with Ross? » asks Constantine.
I don’t even know how to begin to answer that question, especially considering that Ross is Constantine’s brother.
« Ross is fine, » says Tarlach, « and the last thing we need is you treating him like a delicate flower. That’s the fastest way to convince him that he’s not fine. »
« All right. Somehow, I always get it wrong with Ross. But what about Sloane? »
« Like Ross, Sloane has made amazing leaps, » says Tarlach. « Tara, you need to understand how this works. A branch like Balin, never having known trials, wouldn’t have any idea how to help his fellows. »
« I suppose that makes sense. But rather than Chase, I’d put Driscoll on the list. »
« Driscoll? » asks Constantine. « What’s wrong with Driscoll? »
« It’s just intuition. Rand had the same reaction when he first emanated. Driscoll tends to hide behind a social persona, so his self-isolation isn’t as obvious as Chase, or Ellery, or Lorcan. »
« Maybe we can work Driscoll into the program later, » says Tarlach. « For now, we’ve got Ross paired with Ellery, Sloane with Lorcan, and Valentin with Chase. »
« I’m really trying to imagine how this is going to work. »
A few minutes later, the ‘Big Budders’ show up. Each is directed to a conference room. Tarlach messages them, his image appearing holographically on the centers of their tables.
« I’m sure you’re all familiar with the circumstances of your clients, » he says. « Just be open, supportive, try to get them talking. Avoid being judgmental. Other than that, go with your instincts. »
To my surprise, Lorcan shows up first. I am surprised that he showed up at all. The Panic-droid directs him to Sloane’s conference room.
« This isn’t that big of an issue, » he says. « I just haven’t gotten laid since the whole thing with the Denolin Turym. I didn’t do the auto-pollination thing. I didn’t want to pop my cherries for that. »
Sloane nods sympathetically. « I understand, » he says. « The first time is important. Is there anything else I can help you with today? »
« Actually, yeah. The reason I showed up. You see, both Jamey and Tarlach promised to pollinate me. The problem is that Jamey is way in back of Atlas, and Tarlach is near the center, but I’m hanging off the cliff. On the other hand, you’re the second emanation, which means that you’re right up front. You’re practically on top of me. So how about it? »
Tarlach turns off the monitor. « Lorcan is perfectly healthy, » he declares.
After Lorcan leaves, Sloane comes into the main conference room.
« I told him I’d pollinate him, and that he was welcome to pollinate me, » says Sloane. « I hope that wasn’t unprofessional. You said to be supportive, and, well, he seemed like an easy pollination. »
« It’s fine, » says Tarlach. « As long as you’re both happy with the arrangement. »
About ten minutes later, Chase shows up. « I guess I’m late, » he says, scratching the back of his neck. « I can’t seem to keep track of time. »
« I can’t seem to stop, » says Valentin. « I have an innate sense of it. But let’s move on from there. »
« I just don’t get what the big deal is, » says Chase. « I can just take the BMM extract with the opium, and then my nau’gshtamine will be ok, right? Then everyone should be happy, right? »
« The big deal is that the world is full of wonderful things, and you’re missing all of them. Not that I’m being judgmental – I’m just concerned. »
« Dude, » Chase says, « my world is full of sand that’s kind of sharp and gritty when it gets into my shoes, and salt spray that makes my eyes burn and my hair kind of stiff and sticky, and cheap bars with beer spilt all over, and johns that smell like urine until I go past the so-called air freshener and get choked by the chemicals. And you emanated with a set of instructions left for you and stepped out the door and Tara kissed you, so yeah, your world is probably full of wonderful things. Not that I’m being judgmental or anything. »
« Whoa, » says Constantine. « He just bashed Valentin with a bat made of bitterness. »
« That was when we weren’t even sure Atlas and Goliath could co-exist, » says Valentin. « It wasn’t as easy as you make it sound. »
« Yeah, I know that. It’s just that everyone picks on me. Why not tell Ailann to stop drinking? »
« Okay, » says Valentin, resting his forehead in his hands. « Okay, but I think you’re still making a mistake. You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to cut yourself off. »
Chase stands. « Since when am I alone? » he asks. « I might sit in the corner, not saying much, but I’m always hanging with the guys. I’m okay. »
« Now I feel like I need therapy, » I tell Tarlach when Chase has gone.
« I wouldn’t recommend it, » Tarlach replies. « I couldn’t be objective. And to go to a human therapist…remember what happened when you tried to go to a human portrait artist? »
« Driscoll happened. Ash is really jealous. »
« If I had to diagnose myself, I’d say He was controlling and an enabler, » says Tarlach.
Constantine slams his fists on the table. « Man, where do you come up with this stuff? » he says. « The Mover loves her. You always make it seem like he’s trying to manipulate her for his own purposes. »
« It’s my job to be honest, » says Tarlach. « I have to be honest with myself. »
« But it’s a twisted view of the truth, » Constantine replies. « It’s all of the darkness and none of the light. Goliath was created to give Tara freedom of choice. »
I have to respond to that. « I love Ash. And if I think he’s the only one I can trust, it’s because he’s the only one I can trust. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks of me. I’ve survived this far, and that wasn’t a given, believe me. The other thing, Tarlach, is that I’m the fucking Matriarch. Normal, healthy people have normal, healthy lives. In all of human history, find me an all-powerful autocrat who wasn’t fucked in the head. You won’t be able to do it. It’s because you have to be crazy to do this job – and this job makes you crazier. I can do anything I want, buy anything I want – I have the power of life or death over billions. I could declare a war tomorrow. And because of it, I’m always in the public eye, and people are constantly trying to kill me. So of course I’m a paranoid egomaniac. It’s the only sane response to this situation. »
« True, » says Tarlach, scribbling furiously in his notebook.
« If Machiavelli were alive today, I’m pretty sure one of the first things he’d say was that the effective prince should never go to a therapist, » muses Constantine.
« Well, on to our next client, » says Tarlach brightly. « Where is Ellery? »
« Ellery isn’t going to show up. He hasn’t come off the boat in months. What makes you think he’ll come to a therapy session? »
Tarlach sends a message to Ross. « Ross, maybe you’d better go down to the boat. »
« That’s exactly wrong, » Ross replies. « If Ellery is hiding, it’s either because he’s afraid of us, or that he’s ashamed to show his face in public. Violating his safe haven will only make things worse. But I’m betting that he’s watching us – what else does he have to do? He just doesn’t want to come here to have everyone listen in on our conversation. So I’m going to take a walk along the beach, and if Ellery wants, he can come see me. And none of the rest of you follow, not even Tara. »
« Ross, you have a real talent for this, » says Tarlach. « You should consider becoming a therapist. »
Ross hands me a datapad as he turns to leave. « Oh, » he says. « One more thing. I have a customer satisfaction and marketing research survey. I’d like Tara to fill it out. »
« Do you have anything to drink around here? » I ask.
Data:
| Lorcan | Chase | Ellery | Driscoll | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| I could air my concerns to my Big Budder. | Strongly Agree | Agree | Strongly Agree | Strongly Agree |
| My Big Budder helped me to work through my issues. | Strongly Agree | Neither Agree nor Disagree | Neither Agree nor Disagree | Agree |
| I felt better after my meeting with my Big Budder. | Agree | Neither Agree nor Disagree | Agree | Strongly Agree |
Customer Satisfaction/Marketing Survey
Section A: Please check all terms that apply to each of these new products.
| Useful | Weird | Exotic | Attractive | Erotic | Squicky | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Correspondence Charts | X | X | ||||
| Color Space | X | |||||
| Mothman Dual Phallus | X | X | X | |||
| Mothman Vagina | X | X | ||||
| Mothman Legs | X | X | ||||
| Prehensile Proboscis | X | X | ||||
| Mini-tentacle | X | X | X | X | ||
| Erogenous Antennae | X | X | X | X | ||
| Erogenous Tail | X | X | X |
Comments on the above products: The correspondence chart is a good idea, but there has to be an easier way. What am I supposed to do if I need Ari? Haul around a freaking redwood?
I don’t understand the color space at all.
I may be being close-minded here, but ditch the vagina. Also, the ponytail, while attractive, and despite my love of horses, is perhaps not quite appropriate on a mothman.
Section B: Using a scale of 1-5, where 5=strongly agree and 1= strongly disagree, rate your feelings about a proposed new product, the seedless apple.
| Statement | Rating |
|---|---|
| Seedless apples are unnatural | 3 |
| Seedless apples are an effective form of contraception | 5 |
| Seedless apples are less of a security risk than seeded apples | 4 |
| Seedless apples would make me feel less guilty about eating them | 4 |
| Seedless apples would make my life easier | 4 |
| I would drink juice made from seedless apples | 5 |
| Seedless apples are gross | 1 |
| Seedless apples are sexy | 3 |
Comments on the proposed product: This is a great idea, but the Cantor is going to give live birth to a bloobird when she finds out.
Results:
Shortly after we arrived at Eirelantra, Lorcan emanated. “Tarlach said to tell you that Ross did meet with Ellery, but the whole thing is confidential. Tarlach also said that you were right about Driscoll, and that I should tell you what happened when he met with me.”
“Driscoll met with you?”
“Yeah. Tarlach recruited me for the Big Budders program.” He giggled. “Why not? I get the impression that it’s all some kind of scam to troll for pollen-partners.”
“It probably is about trolling for pollen-partners, but would you really consider that a scam?”
“Huh. I see your point. I guess it’s just a little more subtle than the fucking PRAT thing. There’s no way I’m enrolling in that. Might as well paint ‘I’m desperate’ on my forehead. You don’t see Patrick enrolling in it, do you? That should tell you something.”
“All right. Then tell me the story about Driscoll.”
“You know how he is. He went on for half-an-hour about the state of the art world, and who was getting the Duchamp Prize next year, and how he wanted to collaborate with Quennel on a mixed-media piece, and how sad he was that chocumbers were becoming passé. So I listened like a good little Budder until I got fed up with the supportive thing. It wasn’t going anywhere. So I just said, ‘When did you fall in love with Patrick?’ And he started to cry.”
“I have to admit I didn’t see that one coming.”
“It was obvious. The only other possibility was Cüinn. But Cüinn wouldn’t hide it. He’d just blurt it out. Cüinn doesn’t have an angsty bone in his body.”
“So what happened?”
“What do you think happened? It was Driscoll’s great moment – and it wasn’t a moment of truth, I’ll tell you. It was a moment of supreme drama. Trust him to take whatever sincere feelings he has for Patrick and make a game of it. His type – the more he confesses, the more he buries. And Patrick is such a nice guy – read dumb as a post – that he would never call Driscoll on it. So I did the only thing I could do.”
I handed him a double-rhybaa, straight up. “Insert dramatic pause,” I said. “You’ve obviously been taking lessons from Driscoll.”
“I slapped him. Then I said, ‘I’ll bet you think I did that to stop you from being hysterical. But that’s not it at all. I did it because you’re my bitch and you know it.’ Then I stuck my tongue in his mouth.”
“I have to admit I didn’t see that one coming, either.”
“Don’t you get it? Now it’s safe for him to pine away for Patrick. And he gets to top from below, which he loves more than anything.”
“But you really do fancy him, don’t you?”
“Yes, but that will just make the emotional violence to follow all the more poignant.” He threw himself on the bed. “And now Tarlach really owes me, big time.”
Debriefing:
Chase: Oh man, I was such an asshole. I thought it might be better if I didn’t show up at that counselling session lit. Well, not completely lit, anyway. So I was in a bad mood. I needed a fix. I stand by most of what I said, though, but I don’t blame Valentin or Ailann or Tarlach.
Ellery:
Driscoll: I guess I deserved that. I guess I kind of wanted it.
Lorcan: I’ll never be the same.
Conclusion:
Good things come to those who wait: Lorcan’s apples had an average of 345.67mg of nau’gshtamine amide-t. Pollen-tracing was performed, and although a substantial amount came from Sloane, Driscoll, Tarlach, and even Jamey, the majority came from Patrick – which only makes sense, considering that Patrick’s branch hangs directly above Lorcan’s.
The Big Budder program has somewhat positive, but limited, uses as a form of therapy. However, it has proven to be an effective way to troll for pollen-partners.
Future Investigation:
When I woke in the middle of the night, Lorcan said, “I’m here. I love you so much. But I really need to go inside the pleroma now, okay?”
I nodded and drifted back to sleep. In the morning, Patrick was there.
“Is Lorcan all right?” I asked.
“Lorcan is loving life right now. It’s having some interesting ramifications. He wanted to have a little get-together, but his place is on the macabre side. So he basically took over Sloane’s flat. Now Sloane had never even been to his own flat. He usually just sits quietly on Daniel’s bed. For years, the bed has been tacitly recognized as the turf of Daniel, Sloane and Evan, since they were first. But lately, Quennel is there too, and it’s getting crowded. So it’s probably all for the best.”
“Anyway, Lorcan invites his whole entourage – Jamey, Driscoll, Beat and Seth. And Beat invites Harsh, and Seth invites Blackjack who invites Whirljack. So there’s an enormous social scene going on right now in Sloane’s apartment, and ordinarily, he barely speaks to anyone.”
“It’s probably good for him,” I reply. “Lorcan with an entourage. I never would’ve imagined it.”
“So what do you think I should do about Driscoll?”
“Does it really require a response? He didn’t exactly confess to you.”
“No, but he’s clearly intended for it to get back to me.”
“Well, what do you want to do about Driscoll?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I want your input.”
“Well, I can’t see you becoming pollen-partners or anything. You like to play the field, and if you ever did settle down, it would be with Whirljack. So probably the best thing to do is create a big emotional drama. Both Lorcan and Driscoll would love it.”
Patrick sighed and slumped in his chair. “I’m not good at big emotional drama. I’m a peacemaker. I like things to flow smoothly.”
“But there are plenty of people who don’t, and if you don’t give them space to act out their emotional dramas, they start acting them out in yours.”
“You’re speaking from experience.”
I nodded. “I think I’m such a level-headed ruler because I have a huge space to act out my dramas. It’s called the pleroma.”