Dandelion has been used throughout human history as a medicinal herb. It has perky yellow flowers, greens that are delicious when cooked, and its puffballs of seeds are a fond memory of every childhood. Dandelion’s only fault is that it grows successfully where unwanted, violating the purity of decorative lawns. The fact that dandelion is considered a weed is a testament to the perverse willfulness of humanity.
Illustration from Martin Cilenšek, Naše Škodljive Rastline, Celovec, 1892.
I handed her the apple. “It’s one Cillian pollinated,” I said. “Also, it’s seedless.”
“Considering how you react to this, you’d better come back to bed.” She took a bite. Juice ran down the side of her mouth, causing my heart to flutter wildly. “Oh, it’s good,” she said. “The flavor is so rich, and it’s sweet, but with a little edge of tartness.” She took a second bite, and then began to blink rapidly. “Ailann, this is strong. Very strong. I’m tingling all over.”
I nodded. “That’s the point. It has almost as much nau’gshtamine amide-t as that freak apple Patrick pollinated on Whirljack’s branch. We need to know what you’ll see.”
“Did I do the right thing? Make the right choices?”
“By definition.”
“I meant about Benbow. And Vassali.”
“We have new priorities.
- The well-being and preservation of Tara and Ashtara until
- They evolve to the point of mutual union and
- Re-create the universes to serve their pleasure and
- Protect and encourage all sentient beings who will join them in their empire.”
“Ambitious, aren’t you?”
“By definition. We need Vassali and Benbow. Tarlach said something interesting. He said that the mark of human sanity is integration, but the mark of Cu’enashti sanity is diversification. We once feared that too many emanations would send us over the deep end, but now we see that Elma’ashra’s problem is having too few. We could easily absorb Suibhne’s instability because at the time, we had seventeen other personalities to bolster him.”
She took several more bites, sucking the juice off her fingers. Then she rested her head against my shoulder. “I see it,” she whispered. “I see the sparks joining, becoming Atlas.” She looked up abruptly. “You were in love with Cillian before you were in love with me.”
I shook my head. “We didn’t know what love was until Atlas showed us the vision of you. It was blind impulse – you might as well say that hydrogen is in love with oxygen. The fact that we can love each other – that all of us can love each other – is something we owe to you.”
“But still, you’ve been companions since the beginning.”
“Yes.”
“Oh Ailann, Ash had to hold you in reserve until I needed the Archon. And once you had emanated, Cillian fought to be the next one.”
“Really?” This was something I had not known.
“And it broke your heart because you knew that was the one who would have to absorb the trauma from Patrick killing the assassin. When you saw that twisted branch, saw that Strong had chosen that fate – well, you were hoping it would be Inversion – that is, Lorcan. And you thought that if you destroyed it, Cillian could be given another chance.”
“I did?” And then I felt it, the battle I had blindly, unconsciously waged with I and I, who knew that Strong could bear the weight of warfare, but if Inversion were allowed to kill, we would become a living nightmare. I had lost because I had to lose; my resistance had only hurt Cillian, the one I wanted to protect.
« You bastard, » said Cillian, and I could feel him staring at the wall, willing everyone not to notice the tears forming. And then he was gone, or rather, he was me, present and watching, so as not to be alone; so that I would not be alone either.
“I can see Goliath now,” Tara said. “Aran and Ari want so much to love, but it’s hard for them not to isolate themselves.”
“I know.” Aran was something else to think about, but not today, not yet. “Also, I know that Manasseh is a treasure that we tend to underestimate. It’s going to take a while for us to reflect on all we’ve learned.” I stared out at the sky, so blue, beautiful, freakishly warm for this time of year. I had done that, collateral damage from when I caused the rains the other day. Some other part of the world was surely experiencing a drought, or inordinate downpours. I was going to have to fix that. “Stephen,” I said. “He’ll be the next emanation. Manasseh misses him so much.”
“There was a reason Darius told you to stop. Two reasons actually. The first was Marius – he had been a part of another Cu’enashti, and none of his companions have emanated yet. The other was that considering the situation with Vassali, he didn’t want everyone freaking out over Ethan and Barnabas.”
“What, what about Ethan and Barnabas?”
“I can see when Tielo became Archon, too. I can see all the sparks drawn to the roots of Yggdrasil. You know, of all the Yggdrasil emanations, he wanted to live the most. That’s why he was the one who could accomplish my resurrection. That’s why he’s Archon.”
“That’s important. We have to figure out how to choose an Archon for Canopus and Ophion.”
“You’ll need to go on a quest.”
“Jamey said the same thing.”
“Listen,” said Tara. “Can you hear them? Thousands of voices. And on the strength of what they sang, they were chosen.”
I shook my head. “They aren’t capable of language.”
She laughed. “Listen.”
I closed my eyes. I could see Ellery, so small, so ripe, so pink, begin to spin in the opposite direction, singing, Holy holy holy.
Her hands move me, said Briscoe.
Incomparable, whispered Quennel.
Curious beauty, unexpected, a wing that cuts, the delicious box of the future deliquesced, Tannon chanted.
“Tannon is so weird,” said Tara. “That’s why I like him.”
And then there were other voices, ones we could not recognize:
You call me to the shadows.
Worth everything.
I will build for you this palace.
Never be free.
Like moving through liquid.
It is light, it is light, it is light.
Unstoppable.
I’ve changed my mind about everything.
Tara.
“I meant what I asked Benbow,” said Tara. “Am I worth it?”
“To a Cu’enashti, quite possibly, anyone, any human, is.”
“Really?”
“Of course not. But that’s what you imagined you wanted to hear, isn’t it?” Suddenly, I remembered something that Ellery had said, and I had to ask. “Tara, do I…intimidate you?”
Tara started laughing. Started and didn’t stop for a long while, until the tears ran from her eyes. “Ailann, sometimes you scare the shit out of me.” When she grew still, she continued. “But it’s not in the same way that Aran or Davy scare me. I never doubt their love for me – it’s just that their actions sometimes seem so random and so powerful. But you…”
“Do you doubt my love for you?” I said, completely alarmed.
“It isn’t quite that. It’s more the feeling…that you’re always judging. I feel like I’m never quite…enough.”
I closed my eyes. Could it be true – did I want more even than Tara? But I and I did – He wanted Tara’s Destiny.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I really couldn’t say anything else.
“No, don’t be. In a way, I’m glad. All your other emanations think I’m perfect, and I’m not. If you didn’t expect something better of me, it would be really easy to get lazy. Really easy, since there are all kinds of people who would encourage my worst aspects in order to get what they want from me.”
“It’s not like I’m good enough, either. Or even I and I…now that we know we’re incomplete, it’s humiliating.”
“It’s okay,” she said, resting against me. “It’s just not easy. We have everything we ever wanted, and it’s still not easy. But fairytale endings are a bore.”
Appendix: A further expansion of the mysteries of the Ashtara Grove