Creeping thistle is also known as cursed thistle or “lettuce from hell” thistle – the last from the fact that unlike other varieties of thistle, which can be utilized as foodstuffs, C. arvense causes considerable gastric distress in humans. The leaves are tipped with enormous spines that clearly convey the message not to touch without caution. Its vast underground root system forms clonal colonies which result in stems over a meter tall. These bear flowers which can be either dioecious or hermaphroditic depending on the plant’s personal preferences. Creeping thistle is very hardy and often grows at high altitudes where other weeds cannot. Controlled burning has been sometimes practiced as a method to eliminate this plant, but if done improperly, will only stimulate the plant’s regeneration later in the season. While considered an injurious weed by humanity, it is a valuable source of nourishment for many butterflies and moths. Indeed, one of the most effective means of regulating this tough customer is through the introduction of a persistent biological control agent.
Illustration from Martin Cilenšek, Naše Škodljive Rastline, Celovec, 1892.
I was one of the few emanations who regularly used his own space for something other than a social gathering spot. Ever since the rooms other than Daniel’s had opened up to us, I had been coming here when I needed a moment of solitary contemplation.
Well, to drink in private, really.
It was ridiculous to call it a condo, flat or apartment. Although it looked like that from the hall, once inside it opened into a temple built to Doric proportions. The temple opened onto a garden space; in the center was a sacred pool surrounded by a grove of trees. It was exactly the sort of place one would imagine was the dwelling of a god.
Driscoll would’ve called it trite.
I had come here many times during pollination. I had always felt awkward in Daniel’s room, squeezed in with everybody else. I had wanted to be alone.
Why had I wanted to be alone?
It couldn’t be true.
They had no proof.
I shouldn’t have left Ellery alone.
I took another drink.
For the past hour, my thoughts had looped more or less continually in this pattern. I was in a state of complete incredulity concerning the conclusion that Davy and Solomon had so abruptly seized. Yes, it did fit the circumstantial evidence, but it couldn’t be true.
The other branches didn’t understand. They didn’t know what it was like in the nul-chamber.
No one would ever want to go back there. How could the Cu’ensali dignify it with the name of home?
I stared into the sacred pool, watching the reflection of the reeds in the slight breeze which eternally blew through my sanctuary. I gripped my decanter of scotch more tightly.
I should’ve brought Ellery. Now he was alone.
He was probably safe from the unwanted attentions of the others. Darius didn’t seem to be making any moves on Tara at all. Of course, Tara could seize upon the idea at any moment. Tara was like that, and Darius was totally passive. If that occurred, everyone would try to claim Ellery as a pollen partner.
Darius was attempting to explain the conclusion we’d reached, but he was doing it in his typically oblique fashion. It didn’t surprise me that Tara wasn’t quite understanding what he wanted her to do. It surprised me that no one was trying to stop him.
Did they all believe it? It couldn’t be true.
I took another drink.
I heard the creak of the massive temple door upon its ancient hinges. I heard footsteps across the marble. They were heavy, swift, resolute.
Cillian emerged into the illusory sunlight. « Enough sulking, » he said. « Get your ass back downstairs. »
« Is Ellery all right? » I asked.
« Ellery is with Callum. Callum will take care of business. He’s a lot tougher than he looks. »
I nodded. Callum was capable of withstanding – no, enjoying – an incredible amount of pain, and he was like a whip of barbed wire when he went into action. Many had learned to regret underestimating him simply because he was a submissive.
« Cillian, we have to stop this. Darius is wrong. There’s no way that any being would ever want to stay in that hell. We have to be thinking of the opposite. We have to be thinking of how to liberate the ones trapped there. »
« Ailann, when have you ever known Davy to be wrong? He creates entire fucking ecosystems, and he never makes a mistake. »
I rose from my seat, yelling, « This time, he’s wrong! He has to be! You don’t know what it was like. You just don’t understand! »
Suddenly, Cillian grabbed me, pinning both forearms to my side with an iron grip. He yanked me forward, planting a kiss upon my lips.
I was stunned, to say the least.
Cillian released me. « You were hysterical, » he said, « and I didn’t feel like belting you one. Also, you’re wrong. I do know what it was like. I went into your branch. It’s fuzzy since it wasn’t encoded directly into the wood, but came from your human memories. Actually, the ambiguity of the muddled sensations makes the sense of paranoia worse. »
« Why…why would you do that? Why would anyone want to live that nightmare? »
Cillian shrugged. « Anyways, what kind of sense does it make that you’d come up here alone after all that? Everybody supports you, you know that. »
« No, they don’t. They all believe Darius. »
« That’s not what I meant. Listen, Ailann, this is a decision you can’t make. But you don’t have to. You don’t have to take responsibility for everything. Don’t you remember what Ellery said? I can handle it. I’m tough. »
He placed his hand on my chest. « Don’t break your bleeding heart, okay? »
Tears uncontrollably sprung to my eyes. I groped for the decanter, but I couldn’t find it.
I turned on Cillian. « How can I rely on you? How can I after what I tried to do to you? »
Cillian frowned, crossing his arms. « That was another decision you had no business making. And look what it’s done to you. For me, it’s long over. I don’t take it personal – I was just a branch then; I wasn’t even emanated. But you can’t let go of it. It’ll haunt you forever. »
He looked away for a moment, staring into the light source that pretends to be a sun. He finally said, « All right, it’s clear that you’re never gonna make your own peace with this. So why don’t we say that you owe me a big one, and I’m calling you on it? »
I took a deep breath, thinking that yes, it would be a relief. Whatever he asked me to do, no matter how difficult or humiliating, couldn’t be worse than my guilt over proposing to murder him before he’d even had a chance to defend himself. The image of the burned-out Cantor Tree sprung into my mind. That is what I had wanted to do to him – that. And it was because I was afraid he could kill.
« What do you want from me? » I asked.
« You really don’t know, do you? » he asked, a brittle tone in his voice. « Look, I know how you are about your privacy, but when you’re emanated, I’m always with you. That’s public. But you’re not with me, are you? You always hold yourself back. »
I said nothing. It was, for the most part, true, although I was always present during emergency situations when my guidance might be needed. I had thought it wiser to not entangle myself too much with the personal affairs of the others – or perhaps I was just afraid.
« Me, I don’t much like people poking around in my branch, » he continued, « but as a military commander, I have to be realistic about risks. With certain people around, people who snoop into everything, I always assume there’s no privacy at all. And I’d rather have you know what I’m thinking about you than have everybody but you know, if you get my drift. So if you ever want to look in my branch, it’s okay. »
« Just tell me what you want. »
He looked away briefly, glancing first at the woods before his gaze came to rest on the ground in front of his boots. He said: « I want you to stop running away from this thing between us. »
Before I could reply, he kissed me again. It was rough, and his body was rock solid pressed against mine. I liked it.
I pushed him away sharply. « But what about Tommy? » I sputtered.
« Hot buttered Mithras on toast with turnips, » he said. « Will you drop the jealous god bit? Tommy and I are just fuck-budders. Tommy will screw around with anything that moves. He even tried fucking some bimbo once, a random girl he picked up at his bar. What a fiasco that was. »
« What about Callum? » I asked, a bit more petulantly than I would’ve liked.
« What about Ellery? » asked Cillian.
« It’s not like that between me and Ellery. »
Cillian laughed. Cillian guffawed.
« You’re just too dumb to know it yet, » he said. « Listen, Ailann, we’re both natural doms. Ellery needs a papa to take care of him, and Callum needs a hard man to ride him. It’s that simple. What’s between you and me is different. We’re equals. »
What I wanted to tell him is that we’re not equals. I’m the fucking Archon. It died in my throat.
Cillian laughed again, a little bitterly this time. « Yeah, » he said, holding up the decanter. « You’d rather drown yourself in this than come off your pedestal, wouldn’t you? You’d rather pretend that this is what’s fucking you up instead of your own pig-headedness. »
He was right.
« I don’t know what to do anymore, » I confessed.
« You don’t have to always know what to do, » he said. « But it’s lonely up there by yourself. A little humility will buy a lot of companionship. And it sounds, I dunno, hypocritical, masochistic and just plain stupid for you to go on about how terrible it is to be isolated in the nul-universe, and then to lock yourself in here. »
I closed my eyes, thinking I’m weak, so weak. He’s right. I can’t go on like this.
He sensed it too, that something had given way in me. He put his arms around me. He was warm and strong; I rested my head upon his shoulders.
We stayed like that for a few moments until he said, « Come on, let’s go back downstairs. »
It wasn’t what I expected. Confused, I glanced at him.
« I’m not gonna take advantage of you when you’re like this, » he said. « I’ll wait. You come to me when you want me. »