Palmer is following my calculations with rapt attention. « I enjoy math. That stuff you’re doing is way above my head, though. »
« Nul-energy equations. I got them from Cüinn. We’re going to need them to put your idea into practice. » Palmer has suggested building the perpetual motion machine in the nul-universe. As it happens, entropy works differently there, and the second law of thermodynamics does not apply. What is impossible in Tara’s universe (Universe Prime) is distinctly possible in ours. It’s a brilliant idea – if it works, I can see all kinds of practical applications for it. « It’s just taking me a while to work out the details. That’s how it is in engineering sometimes. You make your best predictions, do a prototype, and after the test run, you adjust for unforeseen factors. »
Palmer thinks it’s funny. « That’s not how I’d do it. I couldn’t imagine the lawsuits. »
« Are you a lawyer? »
« Nope, » says Palmer. « I’m an architect. »
Yeah, I can see that. The time to figure out that your building doesn’t work is long before you build it. It explains why he understands a lot of what I’m doing, too. Architects need to have a sound grasp of physics. Not necessarily a deep and exotic grasp, like Cüinn, but all kinds of basic principles like structural mechanics, electricity, material science.
He’d probably get along with Ethan.
« Architect is good, » I mutter. « We already have two lawyers, and in my estimation, that’s one too many. » But then again, Constantine doesn’t spend a lot of his time practicing law.
I could fuck the hell out of Constantine, and Stephen wouldn’t mind. I could join a clade, and Stephen wouldn’t mind. In fact, Stephen would probably be happy to take me to the Stud Buffet, but that might get awkward since technically, Ethan is on the rolls. Also, I haven’t really been on the best of terms with Ace since Ethan gave him that blow job.
That’s Ethan’s fault, though, not Ace’s, and Ethan probably won’t even go to that clade anymore, now that he’s with that twig, that Beauregard.
Enough with the relationship drama. « All right. I think this prototype has possibilities. Let me call Hollis. »
« Hollis? »
« Yeah. The easiest way to access the nul-universe is the water near Ophion. » And if it works, Palmer’s problem will be solved. If it doesn’t, I know exactly how to move forward. Unlike the rest of my life.
Things would be so much better if I could talk to Tara, but Tara is always busy. Last time I checked, she was going to a love hotel with Davy, the new Golden Boy. Clearly too busy for a loser like me.
Then again, it’s hard to imagine being with Tara without Ethan. We’ve always emanated together. If we emanate again, we’ll have to spend most of the time avoiding each other. That would suck.
I wish I wasn’t still in love with him. It’s not like it was always a bed of roses for us. At first, we didn’t get along. We fought our attraction. Maybe that was a better idea than giving into it. And now, it’s just all kinds of awful.
We go down to the cenote, me and Palmer and Hollis. Briscoe is still there. Briscoe must be missing a screw. Hell, he’s missing a whole array of levers, wheels, pulleys and other simple machines.
Briscoe is nuts because he’s doing it for beings that don’t care about him, who barely sense his existence. His attraction to Stephen isn’t quite that dumb. Sometimes Stephen will be there for Briscoe, and sometimes he won’t, and Briscoe is fine with that.
I’m not fine with it. I care about Stephen. He was there for me when I needed someone. But I need someone who is going to be around always, not someone who hits the road when the mood takes over him.
Maybe it would be okay with Stephen if I had someone like Briscoe. That someone wouldn’t be Ethan, though. Ethan is too jealous.
It wouldn’t be Ethan because I fucked it up good, and because Ethan is with that twig, that Beauregard.
« Are you sure you don’t want to come with me? » asks Hollis.
« No, thanks, » I reply. « I should be able to monitor the output from up here. »
« Can’t I just watch to see if it keeps going? » says Hollis.
« Doesn’t work that way, » I reply. « First, if the friction is enormously low, it might look like a perpetual motion machine for quite a while before it slows enough to be perceptible. Second, the first law of thermodynamics has to be respected also, which means that it can’t be drawing energy from any source, including the water. My equipment should be able to tell me if it’s conserving energy perfectly. »
Hollis shrugs. « Just goes to show what I know about engineering, » he says. « But I can identify 687,436 species of fish and other underwater lifeforms. Possibly the most fascinating is the angler fish. The males attach themselves to the belly of the female, eventually fusing their circulatory systems and losing use of all organs except the reproductive ones. They are absorbed into her, spending their days receiving nutrients and providing sperm. »
There is a moment of absolute silence. Then Palmer says, « Would it seem terribly wrong on all sorts of levels if I say that sounds kind of hot? »
Briscoe looks up at him sharply. « It’s a typical Cu’enashti reaction, » he says. « But we can hardly allow ourselves to become so lazy. »
« On that note, to work, » says Hollis, flipping over backwards into the water.
« I hope it works, » says Palmer. « I hope, I hope. »
« It will take him a few minutes to get down there, » I reply. « And even if it doesn’t, we won’t give up. » I position myself next to the equipment.
Pointlessly, as it turns out.
“Sanobar Palmer, Most Worshipful Sublime Master Architect and Superintendent of the Building. 89th to emanate, 44 in the color scale, resonates to 193. 1.8262 meters tall, cock size 16.46 cm when erect, apparent age 36. Architect. Totem is Archontophoenix cunninghamiana, the king palm, fixed star is Yed Prior, the hand before. Esoteric symbol is the Etruscan letter 
. Dessert is nau’gsh sugar canelés. Function is analytic inspiration, proto-conscious tendency is erection, designated Palm. Blazon is embrickment, within an orle aqua, on an escutcheon argent, a palm, sable.”
« It works well enough for I and I, » says Briscoe. Nevertheless, I stare at the monitor because I’m an engineer, damn it, and I want to see if it stays working. That would be the definition of perpetual motion, yes?
Hollis emerges from the pool. « Congratulations! » he says, beaming. « Let’s all go to the pub to get a beer to celebrate. »
We go over to the Moth and Lamp. « The ale here is fantastic, even better now that Poole’s brewery took over production, » Hollis says. « It’s enough to make me want to join Stud Buffet, but I’m seriously considering Mickey’s clade. They’ve themed it Aquatic Adventure, which I think is mostly about recreational pools and bathing, but it has potential for expansion. Say, Palmer, have you given any thought to which clade you want to join? »
Hollis ignores the uncomfortable fact that I’m not in a clade either. As soon as Tarlach started shopping that crackpot idea, the older emanations lined up their loyalties immediately. Now that Cüinn joined Club V/E, I’m the oldest branch without a membership. The only other ones in the same position who aren’t from the Great Hatch are Tielo and Vassali.
I’m in the same boat with Tielo and Vassali? I am such a loser.
« I’m thinking about it, » says Palmer. « I need to carefully consider my options. »
« Well, look into Aquatic Adventure, » he says. « After all, who doesn’t like soaking in a hot tub? » He finishes his ale and smiles at me. « Good work, » he says. « Catch you later. »
« He was flirting with you, » I say to Palmer. « Just in case you missed it. »
« Barnabas…I can’t thank you enough for helping me out on this. I just want to let you know if you ever want anything… »
And now Palmer is flirting with me. Aw geez. Why does everything have to be so complicated? « Palmer, you’re a smart guy. You know, I might take you up on your offer if I didn’t think it would make things worse with… »
« Maybe I shouldn’t butt in here, but Barnabas, Ethan isn’t mad that you got together with Stephen. He’s upset that you rejected him. And then, when he chose to help Quennel instead of taking the achievement, he was hoping you’d get upset and go after him, but you didn’t. You gave up. »
I order another round. « How do you know that? »
« Everybody knows that, » says Palmer. « Didn’t you look in Ethan’s branch? »
« I thought it might be intrusive. You mean to tell me that you did? »
« Yeah, when we were drinking that beer. I thought I’d better check things out before I…made you an offer. But Barnabas, you’re supposed to check things out. If you think Ethan is sensitive about prying, you just don’t talk about it. At least, that’s what Tarlach says. »
« Oh yeah? Well, Tarlach gets laid a lot more than I do, so I guess I fucked it up. I’m not very good at relationships. »
« You know Owen and Lugh had a really rough period. It’s not too late…well, considering that we’re all going to be together probably forever, the sooner you make it up to him, the better. »
« Damn it, Palmer, how much did you find out in the last five minutes? »
« Well, Tarlach chatburled me. »
« He did what? »
« He said that if I was interested in you, there was some stuff I should know…Look, Barnabas, you should go talk to Ethan. »
« I don’t know what I could possibly say. Especially now that he’s with that twig, that Beauregard. »
« Just be honest. »
So Tarlach chatburled the greenhorn. Asshole. Although maybe I could use some professional help myself.
Ethan is up in the workshop. Of course, he is – that’s how it’s been ever since we came back from the State of Shock. When I’m there, he isn’t, and when I’m not, he is. He’s alone, though, which is a relief.
When I open the door, he doesn’t look up. He keeps fiddling with a broken trans-universal inferometer. He could just use alchemy to repair things, but he likes to take them apart and put them back together again. « I was wondering when you’d show. »
« I wasn’t sure you’d want to talk to me. »
« That’s because you’re a moron. But that sapling you picked up is bright. »
« The one you picked up isn’t. He’s cute, though, and that counts for a lot. »
Ethan turns around to face me. « Just what do you want, Barnabas? Do you want me to wait forever? When you didn’t wait for me? »
« I fucked up, okay? »
« I wasn’t upset that you got together with Stephen. Well, maybe I was, a little, but it’s really your business. I was upset, well, that isn’t strong enough – at the time, I was devastated because I was cut off from the grove, completely alone. And when I needed you most, you were gone. »
« I know that. And I don’t know how to fix it. »
« You don’t act like you want to. »
« Fucking look in my branch and see for yourself! »
« It might be intrusive, » he says coldly.
He must’ve listened to my whole fucking conversation with Palmer. In that case, I don’t know what the hell he expects. « Why do you have to be like this? »
He stares at me, accusing me with his eyes. He really could be beautiful, as beautiful as Lugh. That’s the last thing he wants to hear, though. I’m out of ideas. Part of me wants to walk out, go find Palmer, forget about all this.
Branch memory is perfect. Also, Ethan, whether he’s with that twig or not, looks so alone.
The door chime rings.
« Who the hell is that? » And why don’t we know? We should be able to smell them, feel them, unless the Mover doesn’t want us to. Which means that we’d never open the door if we knew who was there. « Ethan, don’t… » But before I can finish my warning, Ethan’s hand is on the knob.
« This is an intervention, » says Tarlach. He’s accompanied by Quennel, Stephen, Beauregard and Palmer.
« Sweet mother of fertilizer, » says Ethan.
« We’re really concerned about you, » Tarlach continues. « And we all know that you and Barnabas belong together. So we’re just going to stand here, admitting our culpability in the situation, until you reconcile. »
« Kill me now, » says Ethan.
« This is my fault, » says Stephen. « Seriously. I fucked things up with Manasseh and Davy, and then I fucked things up with Barnabas and you. I even fucked things up by leaving Briscoe alone to get bleary-eyed over the nul-entities while I went out driving. I’m just a shallow bastard. »
« Ethan, I don’t think I ever told you how grateful I was for what you did for me, » says Quennel. « And if you’re interested, feel free to stop by Club V/E anytime. »
« You probably know that I really fancy Barnabas, » says Palmer. « But I wouldn’t want to cause any trouble for you. I’ll back off if you want. Or I’m available for a lusty threesome. » He glances at Beauregard. « Or even a foursome. I’m easygoing. »
« A monocot, » muses Quennel. « That could be even kinkier than a conifer, but Evan would kill me. »
« I love you, » Beauregard confesses to Ethan. « I love you enough to give you up if it means you can be happy with Barnabas. »
« Tarlach, you shithead, » mutters Ethan darkly. « You compost-snorting bastard. »
« I’d be in for a threesome, too, » says Stephen. « Or a foursome, hell, any kind of orgy… »
Ethan turns to me. He’s livid. « What do you see in him? » he yells. « Stephen is such a slut! »
« That…would probably be it, » I say honestly.
The door chime rings again. This time I don’t bother with a warning. How could it possibly be any worse?
It’s Seth and Merrick. Oh my droidfucking mothman.
« We were thinking that perhaps a love talisman might help, » says Seth cheerfully. Behind him, Merrick waves a bottle of ketchup.
« Okay, okay, » says Ethan, panicking. « I give in! Just keep the condiments away from me. »
« Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, » says Merrick.
Tarlach puts one arm around Ethan and the other around me. « Why don’t we all just go out for dessert and talk this through? »
Behind me, I can hear Stephen whispering to Beauregard, « I wish I was half as smooth as Tarlach. He doesn’t have a gift, a dispensation, a Gold Card, nothing, but he gets more action than anyone except maybe Sloane and Constantine. »
« He’s like a god, » says Beauregard.