(Year 3610, Month 9, Day 3, Hour 10 Minute 41)
During a break in the meeting, Thoughtful 45 suggested that he give us a tour of the station. My surprise must’ve registered on my face as I stared at him sitting on the table, for in an instant, the room was filled with glowing gas, clicking mandibles and flashing lights. “What a joker!” gasped Fllllllrrrrrrrrt.
“We…ah…wanted to do some shopping,” Lucius-me fudged, which wasn’t entirely untrue. “Suzanna was hoping to get a miniskirt made from that fabric the High Chancellor is always wearing.”
“Oh, the glowtube brocade?” asked Hrrrrrrrrrrrgh. “My cousin deals in that stuff. I can get it at cost.”
“We won’t need to bring the entire comhub box,” said Thoughtful, discerning the real issue. “I assume you have a portable information management system?”
“A datapad?”
Thoughtful strobed his agreement. “Just download my app.”
The station was enormous and seemed to be run by a species which reminded me of fluffy lobsters. They were a bit on the small side; when they reared up a bit on their back six legs to use their prehensile claws, they reached about to my waist. “Species 8 – the Hreck,” Thoughtful explained. “They were genetically engineered by the SongLuminants, and are under their guardianship. The SongLuminants used to use them for travel beyond Sealeesh until they encountered the Brrrrrrrrrrrrvvbh. They’re a shoo-in for eventual Combine membership. We think they’ll be ready in a few million rotations.”
“The SongLuminants think the Floatfish are more well-adapted for travel?”
“No, just more fun. I’m afraid the Hreck don’t have a very good sense of humor. It’s what’s held them back all this time.”
“And you do? I mean, as a synthetic intelligence?”
“Of course. Just listen. Knock knock. Who’s there? Infinite loop. Infinite loop who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Infinite loop. Infinite loop who? Knock knock.”
“I get it. Har har.”
“Well, I thought it was funny. We didn’t score nearly as high as the Brrrrrrrrrrrrvvbh, but we passed the qualification. It wasn’t easy, you know,” said Thoughtful thoughtfully. “We’ve been around for billions of your Galactic Standard Years, ever since the StoneStolids developed us so that they could communicate with the Ateher *hissclick* Masock. But we faced a lot of prejudice because our intelligence did not evolve naturally. There was an enormous debate about whether we could experience a sense of self-identity. As an end result, my people are experts in philosophy.”
“There’s so much I don’t know,” Lucius-me murmured.
“It must be tough, being the new kid on the block. Oh hey, I know. Let’s go to the galactarium.”
A map appeared on the datapad. After a longish walk, we reached an enormous sphere which seemed to be empty except for a platform at the bottom and a projection unit hovering at the center. Lucius-me stepped onto the platform, which immediately floated to the level of the projector.
Suddenly I was plunged into night, surrounded by the endless stars. Inwardly, I gasped. Lucius seemed less awed than I.
Visual projections don’t have the same impact on a Cu’enashti, he explained. The illusion doesn’t work because we can’t smell its chemical composition.
Oh, so that explains it! At first, we wouldn’t let Chase near the pilot’s seat. Every time Barbie tried to train him, he’d crash the simulator. But when he finally flew the ship, he was incredible.
Lucius chuckled. Knowing how scattered Chase is, that simulator probably didn’t make a bit of sense to him. But he could dock your ship to a molecule’s accuracy.
Thoughtful was speaking again. “A representation of the local area,” he said, “including the 115 galaxies nearest to our current position.”
Suddenly, around half of the galaxies changed color; most were a single color, but some were two or even more. The largest clump, glowing yellow, was the Andromeda galaxy and all its surrounding satellites. “I’ll just activate the history lecture we use when we bring the Hreck schoollarvae up here for a tour. Just a minute – I’ll make some adjustments to translate the coordinate nomenclature into terms you’ll recognize.”
A few seconds later, a booming voice echoed through the chamber. Welcome to the history of sentient species. Feel free to preserve a copy of this lecture for study. There will be a short quiz at the end of the presentation.
“You don’t have to take the quiz,” whispered Thoughtful.
The oldest known contact between sentient life-forms occurred when the Eer-gaaani [Andromeda Galaxy is briefly highlighted] met the [Phoenix Dwarf Cluster is briefly highlighted] some 9 billion Galactic Standard Rotations ago.
“They’re highlighting the point of origin,” said Thoughtful.
“I got that part,” said Lucius-me. “But who was from the Phoenix Cluster? I didn’t hear what was said.”
“That’s because nothing was said. It was referring to, you know, her.”
“Oh, the ELFF.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
But the presentation had moved onward. These two species encountered the SongLuminants. This time, the glow surrounds us. “That’s because our galaxy is highlighted,” Thoughtful explained.
All was well for a billion rotations, until Andromeda was invaded by Species 5, known then as the Great Dread [Sculptor Dwarf Galaxy is highlighted]. Having already destroyed Species 12 in their own galaxy, they soon went on to eradicate Species 13 in Andromeda, and then to attack the Eer-gaaani. This was a tactical error. The Eer-gaaani had friends.
The war raged for over two million rotations. At the end, when the Great Dread was defeated, the Eer-gaaani pleaded that they be spared. “It was a misunderstanding,” they said.
“Who gives a *#@$?” replied the SongLuminants, who eradicated them. The Sculptor Dwarf was declared off-limits, a perpetual monument to a period of carnage beyond our imagining.
At this, the Eer-gaaani returned to their own galaxy, never to re-emerge. “True understanding between different species is impossible,” they said. “The best thing we can do is to not interfere with each other.”
The SongLuminants and the couldn’t accept this. For millions of rotations, their greatest philosophers debated how it could be possible for sentients to exist in cooperation and harmony without the existence of understanding. Theories were formulated and tested. Finally, four great principles were determined: tolerance, flexibility, a disinclination to rash action, and a sense of humor.
“Those are the standards of evaluation,” said Thoughtful. “They don’t apply if you’re already in the club. Which is why the Lords of the Vent get away with erasing everything that moves.”
Several million rotations later, The SongLuminants and the encountered the StoneStolids [Large Magellanic Cloud is highlighted] and the Ateher *hissclick* Masock [Small Magellanic Cloud is highlighted], two species who had been allies for millions of rotations on their own. The Ateher *hissclick* Masock had also seen the results of brutal interspecies war in their own galaxy, which had led to the eradication of Species 4 by Species 10. The four advanced sentient species found they had much in common. They formed the Combine of Advanced Sentients, and developed the evaluation process based on the philosophical principles articulated by the Lords of the Inner Vent. The Vent Lords were then decreed to be the administrators of evaluation.
The inaugural Combine meeting was of galaxy-shaking historical importance. The first action of the Lords was to proclaim the erasure of Species 10 as a danger to all sentient life. In addition, three species were given rudimentary sentient status, and assigned a guardian under the new code. These were Species 8 under the SongLuminants, Species 15 under the StoneStolids, and Species 11 under the Ateher *hissclick* Masock.
“Species 8 is the Hreck, and Species 15 is my own,” Thoughtful injected. “Species 11 is a huge political issue. They had promise, but were almost wiped out by Species 10. They’ve been foundering for 7 billion rotations. They just can’t get their act together. The Vent Lords want erasure, but the Ateher *hissclick* Masock won’t allow it. They feel sorry for Species 11.”
Weird, Lucius said to me. I wouldn’t take the mate-eaters for bleeding-hearts.
The evaluation process was still in its infancy. The greatest test came when Species 14, under the guardianship of the StoneStolids, began to experiment with genetic modification. The experiments went badly. The StoneStolids argued that Species 14 “meant well” and tried to intervene. The result was that not only did Species 14 wipe themselves out, but culturally contaminated Species 16, which prompted their erasure by the Lords of the Inner Vent.
Sadly, the Combine concluded that mercy only led to exacerbation of inherent issues. It was determined that swift action was the most beneficial for all species. This principle was immediately put into play with the evaluation of the Carina Dwarf Galaxy [highlighted], which led to the erasure of Species 17 and a provisional offer of membership to the Houl, which was ignored.
I’m so lost, I said to Lucius. I need a spreadsheet to remember which species is which.
It’s a thing with them, Lucius replied. They only recognize the names of species admitted to the Combine. Tarlach says it’s a distancing mechanism. It’s harder to kill something with a name.
Is this for real – this erasure stuff? They’re talking about genocide, aren’t they?
That’s exactly what they’re talking about.
As a further refinement of the process, it was decided to be proactive by dividing responsibility for monitoring the remaining galaxies. The Advanced Sentient Species assigned to a particular galaxy was given, in recompense, the rights to exploit the fermionic and bosonic resources of that galaxy.
Advanced Sentients would automatically be given these rights for their galaxies of origin. If more than one Advanced Sentient species arose, they would share these rights [the Large Magellanic Cloud is highlighted in blue and orange.]
“That’s us and the StoneStolids,” injected Thoughtful.
The next passage, full of obscure political references, caused the galactarium to fill with more blinking lights than I’d seen at the last Solstice celebration. Every galaxy mentioned was highlighted – not that it helped me to understand a damn thing that was said.
The first exploitation rights assigned were the Canis Major and Sagittarius Dwarfs to the SongLuminants, the Ursa Major I and II Dwarfs to the StoneStolids, and the Ursa Minor and Boötes Dwarfs to the Ateher *hissclick* Masock. The were uninterested in galactic exploitation. The Ateher *hissclick* Masock soon discovered that the Boötes Dwarf was home to Species 21, put under their guardianship, and found the archaeological remains of the extinct Species 23. The SongLuminants found and erased Species 20 in the Canis Minor Dwarf, Species 27 in the Sagittarius Dwarf, and Species 22 in the Milky Way, prompting the StoneStolids to remark that the Lords of the Vent were on an erasure kick. To staunch the criticism, the SongLuminants placed Species 30 and 31 under guardianship. Of course, Species 30, the Brrrrrrrrrrrrvvbh, were eventually admitted to Combine membership some two billion rotations ago.
“I didn’t know the Floatfish were that old,” said Lucius-me.
“They’re just young at heart,” said Thoughtful. “One might say adolescent.”
Apparently, the Quicknodes do have a sense of humor after all, said Lucius.
A complication in the system arose with the discovery of the Twist. This incredibly advanced species had colonized six galaxies, but had simply been too small for anyone to notice. They were first encountered in Barnard’s Galaxy, which had been granted to the industrious Brrrrrrrrrrrrvvbh upon their admission. As it turned out, the point of origin of the Twist was Sextans A, which was granted to them. The Twist had also colonized the Triangulum Galaxy and Leo A, which were assigned to them as exploitation galaxies. The rights to Barnard’s Galaxy were split between the Twist and the Brrrrrrrrrrrrvvbh, and the Twist were allowed to maintain their colonies in the Milky Way and the Small Magellanic Cloud without granting full exploitation rights. By way of compensation, the Twist were granted the Fornax Dwarf Galaxy, which at the time was thought to be devoid of advanced sentience as Species 19 and 26 had mutually eradicated each other. It was later discovered that the Houl had also colonized Fornax, but the Houl and the Twist disturbed each other not one bit.
As recompense for having to split Barnard’s Galaxy with the Twist, the Brrrrrrrrrrrrvvbh were granted NGC2419. Almost immediately, they encountered Species 25, a decidedly hostile life-form. An emergency council of the Vent Lords was called, with everyone pretty much agreeing that Species 25 had to go.
“It’s whispered that they were even worse than the Great Dread,” said Thoughtful, “but you don’t say that in front of the SongLuminants.”
Upon the admission of the Brrrrrrrrrrrrvvbh, they were assigned guardianship to two species native to the Milky Way determined to be RS – Species 34 and 36. Protesting that “It’s getting crowded here,” the SongLuminants were assigned exploitation rights to the Leo I and II Dwarves after having refused the Draco Dwarf (“It’s full of Houl”) and the Tucana Dwarf (“Who would want that piece of @#$#$?”) Getting right down to business, they erased Species 32 and put species 33 under their own guardianship. They also discovered the remains of the extinct Species 35.
“Species 34 is Humanity, and Species 36 is the Pegaseans,” said Thoughtful.
Through the agency of the not yet admitted Quicknodes, the StoneStolids had discovered two RS species in their own galaxy, Species 28 and 29, and assumed guardianship of both of them. After much debate concerning their ontological status, the Quicknodes were finally admitted to the Combine several thousand rotations ago. Upon their admission, they took over guardianship of species 28 and were given exploitation rights to the Sextans Dwarf Sphere.
“The StoneStolids told me to ask for it,” said Thoughtful apologetically. “That was back when I was Thoughtful 44. They warned me that the SongLuminants would try to stick me with Tucana.”
Species 37-39 were originally assigned to the guardianship of the Twist, but so apathetic were they that the Lords of the Inner Vent took action. Species 37 and 38 were quickly erased over a mild protest by the Twist (“They weren’t bothering us”) which was defeated by a riposte from the Vent Lords (“You should have thought of that before.”) The StoneStolids volunteered to take up guardianship of the orphaned Species 39. Since the Quicknodes had taken over guardianship of Species 28, and Species 29 had been recently eradicated by the as-yet unclassified Species 40, they were at loose ends. The StoneStolids did not deem the Species 29 incident worthy of the Vent Lords’ notice, saying that they were probably destined for erasure anyway, since they displayed a distinct lack of humor.
“Species 29 you called the Microbials. Species 40 – that’s you.”
“The StoneStolids were right,” said Lucius-me. “The Microbials didn’t have a sense of humor at all. The entire attempt at negotiation we had with them came down to them saying, ‘We will kill you and occupy your corpses.’”
“I hate rude people,” said Thoughtful 45.
In very recent history, surprising the hell out of everyone, Species 40, the Nau’gsh, achieved RS status in a little under a millennium. Such an advance is unprecedented in the history of species. And even before they could be assigned a guardian, they made the leap into Advanced Sentience. The Vent Lords took immediate action, but shocked life-forms everywhere by admitting the Nau’gsh to the Combine. “If being annoying were grounds for erasure, half of us wouldn’t be at this table,” said the SongLuminants. This incredibly naïve species was immediately granted rights to the problematic Draco Dwarf Galaxy and guardianship of the pain-in the-ass Species 34 was transferred to them by the Brrrrrrrrrrrrvvbh. They were subsequently assigned guardianship of a species they had created ex nihilo, Species 41.
“Well,” said Thoughtful, seeming a bit uncomfortable, “that’s really up-to-date. The Hreck are certainly efficient, aren’t they? Um, if I were you, I’d go back and ask for Galaxy 44. They won’t give it to you, because everyone wants it. Then I’d ask for Galaxy 45 instead, and say you’ll agree to keep 42 only if they give you 45.”
“Um, which ones are 44 and 45?”
The galactarium lit up the Wolf-Lundmark Melotte and Aquarius Dwarf galaxies.
“Right, this excursion took longer than planned,” said Thoughtful. “We should be getting back to the meeting chamber about now.”
We were the last to arrive. Lucius-me smiled like a shark. “I guess you were having a bit of fun with me yesterday. No big deal – I can take a joke as well as the next Advanced Sentient. But now let’s be fair. I hear that Galaxy 42 is a bit on the meh side. So I want something in addition to it. Cüinn says to ask for Galaxies 43 and 57 as well as 42.”
“Noooo,” said Thoughtful, “not 43. You want 45!”
“What’s 57?” asked Fllllllrrrrrrrrt. “Never heard of it.”
“The Circinus Galaxy,” said Lucius-me. “I’ll take the Draco Dwarf if you give me Tucana and Circinus.”
“Done,” said Phhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnv/SCD.
“Wait!” Thoughtful 45 injected. “Let’s make sure you understand. You’ve picked a dump full of dark matter and Houl, a galaxy so old it isn’t even forming stars anymore, and one that’s just spewing – I wouldn’t even want to get near Circinus.”
“That’s what I want,” said Lucius-me.
“WHAT THE SAM HILL ARE YOU UP TO?” said Phil.
“Phil,” said Fllllllrrrrrrrrt, swishing his tail angrily, “tone it down.”
What the hell are you on? I asked.
Cüinn knows what he’s doing, said Lucius. I hope.
“Sorry,” said Phil. “But are you guys just stupid? Wonder-boy asks for something completely off the wall, and you just trust him like that? This is the dude who achieved Advanced Sentience in less than half a century, and you hand over three anomalous galaxies to him?”
“I want to see what he will do,” said Phhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnv/SCD.