Tara and Lorcan return to the party, already in progress. Tara seems a little shaken, but Lorcan looks happy, which is weird. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look happy.
I hope that things turn out as well for Driscoll and Cillian because those guys are freaking out. None of us has exactly had an easy time of it lately.
I hand Tara a drink, vodka and seedless redberri. She usually has to play bartender, but tonight, it’s my show. And I have an ulterior motive in throwing this party.
No, it’s not to get laid.
It’s to get my brother laid.
Thomas is still a virgin. He’s not the only one, but emanations like Beat and Till have only been around for a few days. Thomas has been emanated for almost nine years, and still no luck.
I make a general announcement: Tarlach and I have been thinking about what makes an emanation a success. Is it good looks, charm, intelligence, cock size?
The statistics are readily available for study, says Tarlach. Mickey and Cüinn made a spreadsheet of all the relevant data.
I can’t believe they did that, says Evan, except that I totally believe that they did that.
Tarlach produces a datapad, projecting the statistics holographically. Despite his protest, Evan is as curious as everyone else.
I’m deep into the male mysteries, aren’t I? says Tara.
I continue to narrate: we decided it was better to analyze success than “failure,” since a lot of the failure rates had to do with opportunity, or in some cases, simply time in the game. You wouldn’t expect Till to score since he’s been around for less than a day. So instead, we looked at long term batting-averages.
The thing that shocked us was this – cock size seems to have nothing to do with it!
I could’ve told you that, Tara mutters.
There was also an interesting pattern, says Tarlach. The top four were off the charts – then there was a big cluster in the thirties and forties. When I saw the data, I concluded that the average emanation could expect to have sex twenty to forty times over several decades.
That’s pretty depressing, when you think about it, says Driscoll.
Look at it another way. I and I has had sex with Tara 2,364 times.
Over how many years? presses Driscoll.
But you can’t count the years Tara was on Volparnu or Earth, says Tommy. There was a huge gap between Daniel and Patrick, broken only by Whirljack at the Nau’gsh Festival.
Tarlach nods. To an extent, he says, there’s a correlation between the length of an emanation’s existence and success rate. But some of the early ones lag because of the situation back then. I’d say it’s more accurate to generalize that a low score for new emanations is expected – but emanations like Ari and Seth are doing surprisingly well.
I tap the side of a highball glass with a spoon, calling for attention. The big four were, in ascending order, me with 143, Cillian with 190, Mickey with – get this – 423! But the all time winner is…
Patrick, says Tara.
Patrick, with an incredible 791 sexual encounters with Tara!
Some of the cells are left blank, says Manasseh.
Virgins, says Blackjack. It’s funny – except for Thomas, they’re all back in Daniel’s room, working hard.
You see, says Chase, statistics prove the enormous advantage of being a slacker.
The fact that Till is inexperienced as yet is of no odds, says Tarlach. The virginal status of Ethan and Barnabas are more worrisome. But Thomas…
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with him, Tara cuts in. He hasn’t been emanated often, and when he is, he just has bad luck. The first time we were together, he turned me down because he didn’t want to make the situation with Goliath any worse. Then he was supposed to emanate for the Tom O’Bedlam’s re-opening, but the club was bombed. At the second re-opening, there was that thing with the Floatfish, and Cillian had to emanate to prevent a diplomatic incident, and then Cillian just stayed. He has a way of muscling in on a situation, which is probably why his score is so high.
One of the theories we were considering was whether the likelihood that an emanation was an asshole increased the success rate, says Tarlach, but that completely fails to explain the stellar success of Patrick.
Look, there are scores of you that I’d love to do more often. I was so happy to see Sloane today. He almost never emanates.
That’s going to change, says Sloane.
I’m surprised to hear it – Sloane almost never speaks, and never with such confidence. But then again, after what happened today with him and with Lorcan…for the first time, I believe that I and I cares about the emanations, that He’s actually looking out for us.
That’s why we didn’t want to focus on low performance, Tarlach replies to Tara. Instead, it’s much more beneficial to analyze the high performers.
What was my score? asks Blackjack.
28, I tell him.
Could be better, Blackjack grumbles, much better. How about Whirljack?
37.
Wait, I’ve only fucked Whirljack 37 times? Tara says incredulously.
Even Cüinn gets more sex than Whirljack, I report. Cüinn had 41.
There has to be a mistake, says Patrick. Maybe it should be 377.
Go back into his branch and count it for yourself. Whirljack just doesn’t seem to get the opportunities. Like now, for instance.
Come on, Patrick continues to protest. He must’ve had 37 at that one Nau’gsh Festival alone.
The problem with the Nau’gsh Festival is that Mickey wasn’t exactly sure where each encounter began or ended, Tarlach explains. It really seemed like one long episode.
Surely, you have to take into account breaks for food and bodily functions? Tara suggests.
We thought of that, but then there was that thing with the nau’gsh soufflé…
Then somehow length of encounter has to be factored into the chart, says Patrick.
Hey, that’s not fair, I protest. That’s a matter of personal style.
He’s only saying that because he likes raunchy quickies, says Blackjack, while my brother goes for marathon sessions.
I suppose we can add duration to the chart simply as another statistic to consider, muses Tarlach.
But opportunity has everything to do with it, says Blackjack. The reason Mickey scores so high is that every time he works out with Tara at the gym, he takes advantage of being hot and sweaty.
Now is my opportunity.
If we want to make it fair, I proclaim, then Tara should fuck the five lowest scorers in this room, starting with Thomas.
Somehow, I don’t remember being consulted on this, she replies. However, that’s not the same as saying I object to it. Who is on the list besides Thomas?
All the other virgins are gone. The other low scorers – Constantine, Marius, Ace, Lens, Malachi, Valentin, Dermot, Wynne – all in the other room. The only ones we have in the single digits are Sloane, Manasseh and Lucius. The fifth one would be Hurley, at 11.
All right, Tara agrees. Thomas first, then the other three, then Sloane to finish.
Three at once?
Why not? she replies. I’ve never done it before, and they seem like ripe apples for picking. Lucius is already a porn star, Hurley was in a threesome with Driscoll, and Manasseh – well, he’s just crying out to be corrupted, isn’t he?
Was there ever at any point, Tarlach mused, some fear that we would take advantage of her?
Why don’t we go down to my place? Thomas suggests.
That’s really not fair, says Blackjack. We won’t be able to see anything. Come to think of it, while Tara is on the inside, we can’t experience it for ourselves.
We can use Thomas’ branch memories, I suggest. It will just be like watching a live broadcast from Skarsia – a few seconds of delay.
Look on the bright side, says Patrick. We’ll relive the action long before the guys back in Daniel’s room.