Wooden Heart:

A memoir; a romance; a field guide to tree identification

As transcribed into 21^st Century English by Meighan Chimera

From the original text by

His Most Sublime and Eminent Radiance, Ailann Tiarnan, Archon of Skarsia, 10^th emanation of Ashtara, also called the Atlas Tree

and

His Royal Highness Patrick Fitzroy, Prince Consort of Sideria, 7^th emanation of Ashtara, also called the Atlas Tree

With additional contributions by

Michael “Mickey” Riley, 5^th emanation of Ashtara, also called the Atlas Tree

and

Lorcan Fearghus, 23^rd emanation of Ashtara, also called the Atlas Tree

Edited by Tara del D’myn, Ph.D., Marquesa of Dolparessa, Empress of Sideria and Matriarch of Skarsia

Text copyright ©2012 Meighan Chimera

All Rights Reserved

It will always be true

Though it be with nails or glue

We will stick to you

For we do have a wooden heart

And although we should die

We will never say goodbye

So swears I and I

For we do have a wooden heart.

Though our roots will branch

Though our flowers fruit

They were for you right from the seed

If you’re cruel, if you’re kind

We’ll still be your clinging vine

We may change our minds

But we can’t change our wooden heart.

(Dolparessan Folk Song)

Table of Contents

Translator’s Note.

Chapter 1: The Complete Untenability of the First Person Narrative.

Chapter 2: The story commences midway, requiring the use of flashback for exposition. A critique follows. A number of false starts are rejected.

Chapter 3: The cast of characters is introduced. A critical discussion of art history. The conventions of fiction violated and rectified by a change in narrator.

Chapter 4: A moment that changed the world, an attempt at some helpful exposition, and a number of horror stories.

Chapter 5: In which we debate the virtues of pornography vs. erotica and discover the importance of keeping accurate statistical data.

Chapter 6: In which we consider the importance of elision, and the inherent danger of art.

Chapter 7: Of truth and artifice, propaganda and fairy tales. A discussion ensues about the value of imagination.

Chapter 8: Of love and war.

Chapter 9: Of sex and violence.

Chapter 10: In which everyone is a critic.

Chapter 11: The serendipitous discovery of theme.

Chapter 12: More sex and violence, or the narrative is embellished to increase reader engagement.

Chapter 13: In which we find an analyst.

Chapter 14: In which we discuss the merits of vengeance and textual documentation.

Chapter 15: How I discovered deconstruction Of Light and Music.

Chapter 16: A handful of happy, aimless vignettes satisfy the need for a dramatic pause in the narrative.

Chapter 17: The somber tone of the narrative resumes.

Chapter 18: In which we indulge in an inordinate amount of self-congratulatory text.

Chapter 19: In which we discover the crux of the story.

Chapter 20: In which complications arise due to unique particularities of the plant kingdom.

Chapter 21: In which things get really, really fucked up.

Chapter 22: In which the rising action is interrupted by a peaceful interval of sentimental reflection and horticultural theory.

Chapter 23: In which we discover how not to handle the media. Also, a moment of sublime happiness.

Chapter 24: Of apotheosis.

Chapter 25: In which the Tale comes to Fruition.

Epilogue.

Editor’s notes.

Bonus Scene.